I knew the title of this post would catch your attention and draw you in HA ha it worked :) The other option I thought of was "fundraiser" but who wants to click on a link that says that right?
I would of loved to have done a fundraiser for this race on Saturday to raise money for Childrens Heart foundation, a organization that's very near and dear to our heart, but it's extremely hard and probably not worth it to put something like that together with only 2 weeks.
With that said, I'll get to the point. Adoption is something God has laid (hard) on my heart. I've known since I was eight that it is a road God is calling me (and now our whole family) down. Obviously the timing is not right for us now, but he has suddenly brought many amazing woman into my life who have and are in the process of adopting. They inspire me and the passion they have for adoption is contagious. Last night I was reading one of their blogs and my heart ached. To think of the journey God has placed them on. How long they have waited and how hopeless they must feel at times that they will ever bring their child home... I can't imagine this kind of pain. They are walking a very LONG hill.
God woke me up at 4:30AM with a idea and that idea has drawn me to the glowing light of my laptop. I'm hoping that with my fingers
dancing over these keys, this morning, I can some how reach across the world and play a
very small role in bringing a daughter home to her family.
So what I'm asking is that any of you who have been blessed by Landon's
story would reach into your pockets a little bit and be a blessing to
someone else for my special boy. We desire for Landon's story to be a
light to all who are hurting. To all who wonder what the heck God is
doing. To all who feel hopeless. We do not want the scar on Landon's
chest to blind him to the pain of others, but instead push him to reach out to them. We want him to be someone who sees pain and hurting and doesn't turn a blind eye.
So please, in support of Landon and my insane decision to run this LONG hill on Saturday, click on this link willadopt.blogspot.com and give a donation to help this amazing family bring their daughter home. Read their story. Be blessed. Be inspired. And in turn be a blessing.
You all are awesome! I can't believe how blessed we are to have the best blog support group EVER! Please let me share you :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Welcoming a new season
Any chance I had at getting a big head because someone from
the race committee asked if they could share our story and my contact
information with a media reporter was dashed on my run this morning when I
caught a glimpse of my shadow. I had to do a double take because I could of
swore it belonged to a 90 year old grandma pushing a walker. Granted it was
windy… really windy.
Landon, I love...
I ran 8 miles and with a stroller I think that = at least
13.2 so I’m telling myself that I’m ready for this thing on Saturday. We’re
planning on running the hill one more time tomorrow night and then it’s rest
and school cramming until my family arrives on Friday and I get to surprise my
dad when we go to pick up his (wink wink) race packet.
I’m a ball of anxiety right now, but it helps running. Today
as I ran through the park the trees seemed to be telling me, with every falling
leaf, that fall is coming. A new season is upon us. I am excited for fall. I’m
excited to wear jeans everyday again and bulky sweaters. This year my sweaters
will remain bulky because I will not have a baby tummy to fill them. This year
will be different in so many ways. I am excited to experience fall for the
first time with my boy. To show him how the leaves change color and the wind
has a different smell then any other season. To tell him how you suddenly begin
to crave apple pies and pumpkin spice lattés. I love how everything is new to
Landon. His tiny world is magical and enthralling and watching him live in it
makes me want to breath deeper and take in every precious moment.
I know that next year my boy will not be content just
watching the world, he will want to touch it and experience it for himself. I
will not simply point out the leaves to him, I will be rolling in them with
him. I will not be able to take him outside in only his monkey socks, he will
need shoes. I will not only be able to tell him about apple pie, I will be
wiping it off of his face. I’ve said it before, but I need to remind myself
daily, that this time will go so incredibly fast. I will blink and he will be
walking. I don’t want to miss a moment. I don’t want to miss out on fall
because I am waiting for the excitement of Christmas or miss out on snuggling
on the couch to stay warm because I’m wishing for hot summer days again. Satan
wants to get us to this place. This place where we are constantly waiting and
wishing for a new season of life. I don’t want to fall into that trap. I want
to enjoy every season because once it’s gone you can never get it back.
So I’m taking in the blisters and the drool and the tiny
hand that clenches itself around the skin of my neck because I know I cannot
have this forever.
Landon, I love...
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| how you've started reaching for things |
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| and putting them in your mouth |
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| how you interlace your tiny fingers in mine |
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| reading to you |
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| watching you with your papa |
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| going into your nursery when I think your asleep only to find you mesmerized by the ceiling fan |
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| that moment when I'm feeding you when you slowly stop sucking and drift off to sleep. I pull the bottle out and formula dribbles down your chin. You have taught me not to be so quick to clean up messes, but to wait and enjoy the moment. |
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| your monkey socks |
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| I love everything about being your mama my child. Thank you for teaching me to enjoy each season as it comes. |
Monday, September 10, 2012
9-8-12 A Surprise From Down Under
I ended my last post by saying that the rest of this month should be pretty uneventful and I hopefully wouldn't need to blog as much so I could get ahead in school....HA! For one, I don't know what I was thinking because the race is coming up next week and will definitely be keeping you guys informed on how that goes. AND TWO, God had something crazy up His sleeve which is what I will be telling you guys about today. Most of you have probably seen pictures on facebook, but this is the story behind the pictures.
I just got back from a run. On this run I thought about life. I thought about how God is this amazing author who writes the stories of all of His characters and how He delights in intertwining all of His characters stories so that, like a puzzle, they all fit together into this beautiful picture. This beautiful novel of a story that will take us all of eternity to discover. I was immensely blessed by God this week. Most weeks I just go about my life, living my story, but this week God gave me a glimpse of how HUGE the story is that I'm living.
I blogged about my day on Thurs. about the letter, with the check that came in the mail and about going to Landon's appointment. It was such a long day. I wasn't able to get very much school worked on during the day so I made a cup of coffee at 9PM and buckled down to get stuff done. Ryan was cleaning the apartment, washing dishes, folding laundry, picking up toys. I told him to stop cleaning and just relax, that I would clean the next day, but he insisted that he wanted to and that I just needed to keep working on my assignments. So I did. Around 12AM I was getting tired and wanted to go to bed, but Ryan told me to just finish one more chapter. "Yes, sir." I said mockingly. I was secretly glad that Ryan was being tough on me because I knew that I would feel so much better if I got a little more done. I was still studying at 12:45AM when Ryan told me that he forgot something out in the car and was going to go get it. I didn't think much of it, but told him to be careful. I went back to my book and was trying to concentrate when I heard loud voices outside. I was a little worried and wondered if I should go out on the balcony to make sure it wasn't Ryan getting mugged or something (I worry way too much). I tried to ignore it and keep reading. A little while later I heard the door (this was when it started to get weird), I thought it was Ryan, but then I heard a woman's voice. I froze. This was one of those moments when you have a ton of thoughts in like 30 nano seconds. Thoughts like these, OH no, a drunk crazy lady just came into our apartment! What do I do! Scream and tell her to get out? Run and get the decorative sword we have in our bedroom and threaten to stab her if she doesn't? My thought process was interrupted when my best friend walked around the corner and said, "hey, can I stay here a couple nights??" I was in SHOCK!! "Anna! What are you doing here? WHAT!!!" I couldn't believe she was standing in my living room at 1AM. I don't really remember much after that. I hugged her, told her she was crazy. Frankly I don't think I said very much. Ryan came inside and asked how I like my surprise? I punched him on the arm. I couldn't believe he kept such a big secret from me. We were standing in the entry way when Anna, told me that there was another surprise outside the door that she brought with her. I assumed right away that it was another friend because I had seen that they were talking on facebook about coming to see me. I opened the door completely expecting to see my other girlfriend, but I didn't....... I saw my brother. I whispered loudly (yes, you can whisper loudly) "what!!" and then I burst into tears.
I can't explain that moment. I was not expecting to see my brother for another year. I've mentioned him a little on here before, but for those of you who don't know, he lives in Australia. He works with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) there. He left last October and committed to staying there for 2 years so we all understood that we wouldn't see him for that long. My brother is my only sibling and we couldn't be closer. He is my best friend. This past year was so hard, but something that made it even harder was not having him here. Not being able to pick up the phone and cry with him. Not having him there when Landon was born or going through his surgeries. Just this past week, after another week went by without talking to him, I told Ryan that I don't think I will get to talk to my brother for another year. He's so busy, I'm so busy, the time difference, it just never works out to skype. "We'll talk to him soon" Ryan said. I didn't think anything of this comment. I just thought he meant we would figure out a way to connect through skype. So when my brother walked through our door I was witnessing the impossible and it was overwhelming. I just cried and kept saying "how are you here?" Thankfully Ryan grabbed the camera, but for some reason only got one picture. It's not my best, but I think it portrays how I was feeling in that moment. Matt decided to lighten the mood by telling me that they've been planning it for weeks. He said what him and Anna wanted to do was get a huge box and put it outside our door. Anna would tell me that I had a present outside and I would open the door and Matt would pop out of the box, looking sore and exhausted. He would then get out, stretch, and tell me that, "that was the longest trip he'd ever taken, but it was so much cheaper to be shipped here rather then fly." LOL "And you're so gullible, you would of believed it." haha Truth is, I was in so much shock I just might have.
By now it was around 1:30AM but I had to get Landon and have him meet his uncle, who I thought he would never meet until he was over 1 yr. old.
As soon as I brought him out into the living room, he was wide awake. He would not take his eyes off of Anna. I don't think he remembers seeing a black person before. We were all cracking up because he was so curious about her.
After passing Landon around for a while, I put him back to bed and we all crashed in the living room. I was still wanting to learn how this whole surprise all came to be. Matt told us that a couple months ago his boss came to him and told him that he needed to go see his family. He gave him a $1,000 to do it. Matt then contacted Anna and they began plotting out their plan. A couple weeks before they came they told Ryan. I just couldn't believe that all of this went on under my nose. It all was starting to make sense. Why Ryan was a cleaning machine, why he kept pushing me to stay up later, why Matt never got back to me about skyping this week, all of the text messages Ryan was getting that night. Then we started talking about Gods perfect timing. Ryan told me how blown away he was when people brought us meals and groceries because he knew that we would be having company. We talked, laughed, and pigged out on Australian candy until late in the AM. We grabbed pillows and all slept in our living room like we were kids at a sleepover. My brother and I were the last to fall asleep, we stayed up until 5AM catching up on life, talking like we used to when we were kids.
My brother and Anna only stayed for a day and 1/2, but every moment was cherished. The hard laughter and the tight hugs brought healing to areas of my soul that were still bleeding from the trauma and could only be fixed by a big brothers presence. Looking back on this week, I can't find words for it. It is one of those weeks where the mundane and the miraculous collided. Only God.... those are the only words I can think of to describe it... only God. Only God could of known the stress we would have from bills, worrying about Landon, and a broken down jeep. Only God could of spoke to Matt's boss, all the way over in Australia, and told him to give my brother $1,000 and tell him to go see his family. Only God is so sweet and thoughtful to fill our fridge with groceries and even provide meals so that I didn't feel the stress of cooking for our unexpected company. Only God could of known what this visit would mean to me and that I needed to just soak it all in. Only God knew that I would decide to run this race for Landon. Only God knows the closure it will bring to our family and that my brother needs to be here for it.
I was thinking of all of these things as I was running tonight. How God orchestrated everything. He used our stressful situations to provide for us... who does that?? ONLY GOD! If you have ever doubted that God is a personal God that delights in you and wants to have an intimate relationship with you. I pray that our story is evidence to you.
God is the author and we are only the characters he has created. God knows that we want to be the authors of our own story and that we try to steal the pen right out of His hand to write a better story for ourselves. What's crazy is that He gives it to us. God gives us a thing called free will, this allows us to make our own choices. He could of made us into robots that always did what he said but He didn't. He didn't because He doesn't want us to be forced to love Him. I was tempted this week to take the pen away from God. Our jeep breaking down was the straw that broke this camels back. I couldn't see how God could use that for good. Now I think back to when Ryan prayed, and he told God that we trust that He's in control and has a plan and that He would use this for good. We gave God back the pen and because we did, God wrote a story that brought us healing, renewal, and laughter like you wouldn't believe.
How God delights in intertwining his characters stories. How He desires to bring His miraculous into our mundane. He will my friends, He will if only we will allow Him to have the pen back.
I just got back from a run. On this run I thought about life. I thought about how God is this amazing author who writes the stories of all of His characters and how He delights in intertwining all of His characters stories so that, like a puzzle, they all fit together into this beautiful picture. This beautiful novel of a story that will take us all of eternity to discover. I was immensely blessed by God this week. Most weeks I just go about my life, living my story, but this week God gave me a glimpse of how HUGE the story is that I'm living.
I blogged about my day on Thurs. about the letter, with the check that came in the mail and about going to Landon's appointment. It was such a long day. I wasn't able to get very much school worked on during the day so I made a cup of coffee at 9PM and buckled down to get stuff done. Ryan was cleaning the apartment, washing dishes, folding laundry, picking up toys. I told him to stop cleaning and just relax, that I would clean the next day, but he insisted that he wanted to and that I just needed to keep working on my assignments. So I did. Around 12AM I was getting tired and wanted to go to bed, but Ryan told me to just finish one more chapter. "Yes, sir." I said mockingly. I was secretly glad that Ryan was being tough on me because I knew that I would feel so much better if I got a little more done. I was still studying at 12:45AM when Ryan told me that he forgot something out in the car and was going to go get it. I didn't think much of it, but told him to be careful. I went back to my book and was trying to concentrate when I heard loud voices outside. I was a little worried and wondered if I should go out on the balcony to make sure it wasn't Ryan getting mugged or something (I worry way too much). I tried to ignore it and keep reading. A little while later I heard the door (this was when it started to get weird), I thought it was Ryan, but then I heard a woman's voice. I froze. This was one of those moments when you have a ton of thoughts in like 30 nano seconds. Thoughts like these, OH no, a drunk crazy lady just came into our apartment! What do I do! Scream and tell her to get out? Run and get the decorative sword we have in our bedroom and threaten to stab her if she doesn't? My thought process was interrupted when my best friend walked around the corner and said, "hey, can I stay here a couple nights??" I was in SHOCK!! "Anna! What are you doing here? WHAT!!!" I couldn't believe she was standing in my living room at 1AM. I don't really remember much after that. I hugged her, told her she was crazy. Frankly I don't think I said very much. Ryan came inside and asked how I like my surprise? I punched him on the arm. I couldn't believe he kept such a big secret from me. We were standing in the entry way when Anna, told me that there was another surprise outside the door that she brought with her. I assumed right away that it was another friend because I had seen that they were talking on facebook about coming to see me. I opened the door completely expecting to see my other girlfriend, but I didn't....... I saw my brother. I whispered loudly (yes, you can whisper loudly) "what!!" and then I burst into tears.
I can't explain that moment. I was not expecting to see my brother for another year. I've mentioned him a little on here before, but for those of you who don't know, he lives in Australia. He works with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) there. He left last October and committed to staying there for 2 years so we all understood that we wouldn't see him for that long. My brother is my only sibling and we couldn't be closer. He is my best friend. This past year was so hard, but something that made it even harder was not having him here. Not being able to pick up the phone and cry with him. Not having him there when Landon was born or going through his surgeries. Just this past week, after another week went by without talking to him, I told Ryan that I don't think I will get to talk to my brother for another year. He's so busy, I'm so busy, the time difference, it just never works out to skype. "We'll talk to him soon" Ryan said. I didn't think anything of this comment. I just thought he meant we would figure out a way to connect through skype. So when my brother walked through our door I was witnessing the impossible and it was overwhelming. I just cried and kept saying "how are you here?" Thankfully Ryan grabbed the camera, but for some reason only got one picture. It's not my best, but I think it portrays how I was feeling in that moment. Matt decided to lighten the mood by telling me that they've been planning it for weeks. He said what him and Anna wanted to do was get a huge box and put it outside our door. Anna would tell me that I had a present outside and I would open the door and Matt would pop out of the box, looking sore and exhausted. He would then get out, stretch, and tell me that, "that was the longest trip he'd ever taken, but it was so much cheaper to be shipped here rather then fly." LOL "And you're so gullible, you would of believed it." haha Truth is, I was in so much shock I just might have.
By now it was around 1:30AM but I had to get Landon and have him meet his uncle, who I thought he would never meet until he was over 1 yr. old.
As soon as I brought him out into the living room, he was wide awake. He would not take his eyes off of Anna. I don't think he remembers seeing a black person before. We were all cracking up because he was so curious about her.
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| Not taking his eyes off Anna |
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| It was priceless to get to watch him meet his uncle Matty for the first time |
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| His new Aussie Koala bear |
My brother and Anna only stayed for a day and 1/2, but every moment was cherished. The hard laughter and the tight hugs brought healing to areas of my soul that were still bleeding from the trauma and could only be fixed by a big brothers presence. Looking back on this week, I can't find words for it. It is one of those weeks where the mundane and the miraculous collided. Only God.... those are the only words I can think of to describe it... only God. Only God could of known the stress we would have from bills, worrying about Landon, and a broken down jeep. Only God could of spoke to Matt's boss, all the way over in Australia, and told him to give my brother $1,000 and tell him to go see his family. Only God is so sweet and thoughtful to fill our fridge with groceries and even provide meals so that I didn't feel the stress of cooking for our unexpected company. Only God could of known what this visit would mean to me and that I needed to just soak it all in. Only God knew that I would decide to run this race for Landon. Only God knows the closure it will bring to our family and that my brother needs to be here for it.
I was thinking of all of these things as I was running tonight. How God orchestrated everything. He used our stressful situations to provide for us... who does that?? ONLY GOD! If you have ever doubted that God is a personal God that delights in you and wants to have an intimate relationship with you. I pray that our story is evidence to you.
God is the author and we are only the characters he has created. God knows that we want to be the authors of our own story and that we try to steal the pen right out of His hand to write a better story for ourselves. What's crazy is that He gives it to us. God gives us a thing called free will, this allows us to make our own choices. He could of made us into robots that always did what he said but He didn't. He didn't because He doesn't want us to be forced to love Him. I was tempted this week to take the pen away from God. Our jeep breaking down was the straw that broke this camels back. I couldn't see how God could use that for good. Now I think back to when Ryan prayed, and he told God that we trust that He's in control and has a plan and that He would use this for good. We gave God back the pen and because we did, God wrote a story that brought us healing, renewal, and laughter like you wouldn't believe.
How God delights in intertwining his characters stories. How He desires to bring His miraculous into our mundane. He will my friends, He will if only we will allow Him to have the pen back.
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| I know this pic is blurry, but I love how it looks like Landon's doing a thumbs up :) |
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Update on life!!
OH my goodness! I feel like I begin every blog post with "I don't know where to start" but seriously how can so much happen in 24 short hours!?!!
It seems like God has done nothing, but answer our prayers since our jeep "blew up", which was our radiator by the way, and not an explosion at all. I had no idea when I asked for prayer in my last post that God would use that very request to meet our needs through the people that would read my heart.
Almost as soon as I hit the post button I began getting texts and messages from people. Some close friends and some strangers. Some offered to bring us meals, some simply brought tears to my eyes by sharing how Landon's story has touched their lives. I was struck by God's perfect timing when a new friend told me that her husband may be able to fix our jeep. Last night Ryan and I stood back speechless as a friend from my small group hauled bags of groceries up to our apartment and filled our fridge and freezer. After she left we just stared at each other in disbelief at what had just happened. Ryan pulled me into a hug and told me, "see, we're going to be ok." :) Then he made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of the loaf of bread our friend had just brought. I have been making bread for us for the past couple months so it was a real treat for Ryan to have "sliced" bread. If any of you have mastered slicing homemade bread you need to let me know because we just can't get it right. It either comes out too thin and in a crumbly mess or we saw a piece as wide as a brick. "look at how perfectly sliced these are Natalie! It's like the magical bread fairy cut them!"
This morning I was going about my day trying to get things done before Landon's appointment, when our door bell rang. I buzzed them in, but no one came up so I grabbed Landon and hurried down, thinking it was our friend to work on the jeep. It was just the mailman. He wanted me to sign for a package (at least I assumed it was for a package), he left without handing me a box so I felt pretty silly just standing there. I went back upstairs, set Landon down to play and sat on the floor beside him to read the mail. Junk, bill, more junk, then I saw a letter with a bright orange sticker on it. I figured this is what I had to sign for. I opened it and shortly after tears were streaming (I mean streaming) down my face. It was like the wind had just been knocked out of me. In it was a check for $700. There was a sticky note attached to it saying that it was from a "sister in Christ" who had stumbled upon my blog because of mutual acquaintances of ours. It said that she had been blessed by our faithfulness to the God we serve, that she's praying for us and that she hopes the check helps a little (A LITTLE!!!). I was flabbergasted (is that really a real word)! I just sat there on the floor thanking God over and over again for his faithfulness. For providing for us in every way. Telling him through tears that I just can't believe He loves us this much. I was SO blown away. I texted Ryan and told him he would never believe what just happened!! I told him and he texted me back saying that he was speechless. With this check and the bit we have left in our emergency fund we can pay our medical bills this month which is such a miracle.
If you are reading this my mystery sister in Christ, I cannot express the gratitude my heart feels. We will never be able to repay you, but please know that we will never forget what you have done for us. We will share this story with our children and our grandchildren someday as an example of what the church is meant to be. The hands and feet of Christ. We prayed for provision and God used you, and all of you (you know who you are :) to show us that He loves us and will always take care of us. These past couple days we have seen the church. It was not affiliated with a certain denomination. It didn't meet us inside of a building. It came to our house after dark to deliver groceries, it used words of encouragement to push us along. It used it's God given abilities to look at our broken down vehicle, it offered meals, and just a listening ear. We witnessed the church working the way that God designed and let me tell you, it is a beautiful thing.
I wasn't even through balling my eyes out when I realized we needed to leave for Landon's appointment with Fernandez. We got there, checked in, went up to heart and lung, checked in again, waited, then went back for his echo. It was long, but it went well. Landon didn't cry even though he was now well overdue for a nap. We walked to Fernandez's office where he was weighed and measured. 16Ib 6 oz and 26 inches long!! I loved the nurse we had for his EKG today. She was SO good with him and gentle when she pulled off all the stickers :) Then came the man we were wanting to see.
Fernandez told me that his echo looks great. He said the the RV even looks a little bigger then last time! "It is truly amazing what you have been able to do with him (like it was me...pshshshsh)." Having a baby with pulmonary artresia is not easy, but you guys are just doing wonderfully. It is really just unbelievable what his heart has done." My eyes were tearing up as he was saying all of this and then he asked me how I was doing since I was obviously emotional. I told him that we are doing great, that we are just so happy that he's doing good. That everything is just because of a lot of love and prayers. Then he went on to tell me that because Landon's rv has been growing they have a very hard decision to make because they do not know if he will be ok if they leave the shunt in and let it close on its own or if they should still do the Glen. He said that although the rv is a nice size they have no way of knowing if his pulmonary circulation will be adequate. He will need to go to University of MN next month and have a heart catheterization done. They will go up through his leg into his heart and inflate a balloon in his shunt. This will stop the blood flow. They will then monitor his sats to see how his body reacts to not having the shunt anymore. Fernandez said that if he tolerates it well and his sats stay stable then they may choose to close the shunt or leave it in and allow it to close on it's own as his heart grows. If he does not tolerate it and his blood flow is not adequate and his sats drop then they will deflate the balloon right away and we will have to make plans for the Glen surgery. He said there is really no way of knowing until they get him in the cath lab. "Landon is a very unique case now because of his heart growth. I am very interested in seeing what they will decide to do." I was just trying to take all of this in. We have been praying for growth for so long and God has been answering our prayers, now we are in a good, but complicated position. We want Landon to be fine and not need the Glen but choosing not to do it may cause problems for him later in life, but it is a risky surgery and performing it will make part of his rv unusable. Pray for wisdom for us and for Landon's cardiologists. October is going to be a very crazy month for us. Fernandez was going to send a letter (he must of meant email, who sends letters anymore?) to Landon's cardiologist at Amplatz. Landon has one last echo and check with Fernandez on the 3rd (his 6 month birthday) and then we will be heading down to U of M for his heart cath. I'm looking forward to knowing some dates so I can feel like we know whats going on finally.
I asked Fernandez why Landon has suddenly become so tired all the time and he said his sats are good so he thinks that it's probably just because he is eating more and eating is hard work for him. He's also more active and he's around the age when babies go through a growth spurt. He also told me that his color changes are normal for him because of his shunt and his circulation right now.
I asked him if after this next trip to Minneapolis and Landon has his cath or whatever else he needs done, if it will be safe for us to take him to church with us? Fernandez got that concerned look on his face (which has become way to familiar) that he gets right before he crushes any tiny hope I have that we can do something out in public. He explained to me that with flu season coming up he really doesn't want Landon out hardly at all. Starting next month through April Landon will have to go in and get a shot to prevent RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) infections. So we shouldn't take him to church for a year? "I wouldn't." I love Fernandez and I take everything he says to heart, but you better believe I'm getting a second opinion on this matter when we go to Amplatz. We will be careful. We will sit in the back. We wont let anyone hold Landon. We'll leave as soon or even before church is over. I will physically sanitize the entire row we sit in before we bring him in. We will purchase a literal bubble on ebay and keep Landon inside until we get home. Ok now I'm getting a little silly, but come on!! I cannot wait until my baby is a year old to bring him to church! Every Sunday my heart aches when I see the numerous other families with their tiny babies and I had to leave mine at home :( Fernandez explained to me that a simple viral infection could be "lethal" for Landon. Lethal, there's a word you don't hear everyday. I really can't think of a better word to evoke an emotional response in a mother. Well played Fernandez, point taken. But I'm still asking someone else in Minneapolis.
So that was our appointment. Overall, it was awesome news. I left with answers and a better understanding of what the near future will look like for us.
The rest of this month is pretty uneventful. Landon has another appointment to get his head looked at to see if he qualifies for a helmet. When we went last time the man told us that Landon's head really isn't that bad. He said what insurance looks for is the flattening on the sides of the head because that is what will shift the eyes and ears and most of Landon's flattening is on the back. He wanted to wait a month to measure him for a helmet so his head will grow a little more, that way there is less of a chance of him outgrowing it before he gets the best results. The appointment for that is on the 20th so hopefully nothing blog worthy will happen until then so I can get ahead in school since Oct. is looking like a busy month.
I can't tell you guys how much it means to us that you care enough to continue to read about our family. We love each of you and pray that God blesses you and meets you wherever you are at in your journey with Him.
It seems like God has done nothing, but answer our prayers since our jeep "blew up", which was our radiator by the way, and not an explosion at all. I had no idea when I asked for prayer in my last post that God would use that very request to meet our needs through the people that would read my heart.
Almost as soon as I hit the post button I began getting texts and messages from people. Some close friends and some strangers. Some offered to bring us meals, some simply brought tears to my eyes by sharing how Landon's story has touched their lives. I was struck by God's perfect timing when a new friend told me that her husband may be able to fix our jeep. Last night Ryan and I stood back speechless as a friend from my small group hauled bags of groceries up to our apartment and filled our fridge and freezer. After she left we just stared at each other in disbelief at what had just happened. Ryan pulled me into a hug and told me, "see, we're going to be ok." :) Then he made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of the loaf of bread our friend had just brought. I have been making bread for us for the past couple months so it was a real treat for Ryan to have "sliced" bread. If any of you have mastered slicing homemade bread you need to let me know because we just can't get it right. It either comes out too thin and in a crumbly mess or we saw a piece as wide as a brick. "look at how perfectly sliced these are Natalie! It's like the magical bread fairy cut them!"
This morning I was going about my day trying to get things done before Landon's appointment, when our door bell rang. I buzzed them in, but no one came up so I grabbed Landon and hurried down, thinking it was our friend to work on the jeep. It was just the mailman. He wanted me to sign for a package (at least I assumed it was for a package), he left without handing me a box so I felt pretty silly just standing there. I went back upstairs, set Landon down to play and sat on the floor beside him to read the mail. Junk, bill, more junk, then I saw a letter with a bright orange sticker on it. I figured this is what I had to sign for. I opened it and shortly after tears were streaming (I mean streaming) down my face. It was like the wind had just been knocked out of me. In it was a check for $700. There was a sticky note attached to it saying that it was from a "sister in Christ" who had stumbled upon my blog because of mutual acquaintances of ours. It said that she had been blessed by our faithfulness to the God we serve, that she's praying for us and that she hopes the check helps a little (A LITTLE!!!). I was flabbergasted (is that really a real word)! I just sat there on the floor thanking God over and over again for his faithfulness. For providing for us in every way. Telling him through tears that I just can't believe He loves us this much. I was SO blown away. I texted Ryan and told him he would never believe what just happened!! I told him and he texted me back saying that he was speechless. With this check and the bit we have left in our emergency fund we can pay our medical bills this month which is such a miracle.
If you are reading this my mystery sister in Christ, I cannot express the gratitude my heart feels. We will never be able to repay you, but please know that we will never forget what you have done for us. We will share this story with our children and our grandchildren someday as an example of what the church is meant to be. The hands and feet of Christ. We prayed for provision and God used you, and all of you (you know who you are :) to show us that He loves us and will always take care of us. These past couple days we have seen the church. It was not affiliated with a certain denomination. It didn't meet us inside of a building. It came to our house after dark to deliver groceries, it used words of encouragement to push us along. It used it's God given abilities to look at our broken down vehicle, it offered meals, and just a listening ear. We witnessed the church working the way that God designed and let me tell you, it is a beautiful thing.
I wasn't even through balling my eyes out when I realized we needed to leave for Landon's appointment with Fernandez. We got there, checked in, went up to heart and lung, checked in again, waited, then went back for his echo. It was long, but it went well. Landon didn't cry even though he was now well overdue for a nap. We walked to Fernandez's office where he was weighed and measured. 16Ib 6 oz and 26 inches long!! I loved the nurse we had for his EKG today. She was SO good with him and gentle when she pulled off all the stickers :) Then came the man we were wanting to see.
Fernandez told me that his echo looks great. He said the the RV even looks a little bigger then last time! "It is truly amazing what you have been able to do with him (like it was me...pshshshsh)." Having a baby with pulmonary artresia is not easy, but you guys are just doing wonderfully. It is really just unbelievable what his heart has done." My eyes were tearing up as he was saying all of this and then he asked me how I was doing since I was obviously emotional. I told him that we are doing great, that we are just so happy that he's doing good. That everything is just because of a lot of love and prayers. Then he went on to tell me that because Landon's rv has been growing they have a very hard decision to make because they do not know if he will be ok if they leave the shunt in and let it close on its own or if they should still do the Glen. He said that although the rv is a nice size they have no way of knowing if his pulmonary circulation will be adequate. He will need to go to University of MN next month and have a heart catheterization done. They will go up through his leg into his heart and inflate a balloon in his shunt. This will stop the blood flow. They will then monitor his sats to see how his body reacts to not having the shunt anymore. Fernandez said that if he tolerates it well and his sats stay stable then they may choose to close the shunt or leave it in and allow it to close on it's own as his heart grows. If he does not tolerate it and his blood flow is not adequate and his sats drop then they will deflate the balloon right away and we will have to make plans for the Glen surgery. He said there is really no way of knowing until they get him in the cath lab. "Landon is a very unique case now because of his heart growth. I am very interested in seeing what they will decide to do." I was just trying to take all of this in. We have been praying for growth for so long and God has been answering our prayers, now we are in a good, but complicated position. We want Landon to be fine and not need the Glen but choosing not to do it may cause problems for him later in life, but it is a risky surgery and performing it will make part of his rv unusable. Pray for wisdom for us and for Landon's cardiologists. October is going to be a very crazy month for us. Fernandez was going to send a letter (he must of meant email, who sends letters anymore?) to Landon's cardiologist at Amplatz. Landon has one last echo and check with Fernandez on the 3rd (his 6 month birthday) and then we will be heading down to U of M for his heart cath. I'm looking forward to knowing some dates so I can feel like we know whats going on finally.
I asked Fernandez why Landon has suddenly become so tired all the time and he said his sats are good so he thinks that it's probably just because he is eating more and eating is hard work for him. He's also more active and he's around the age when babies go through a growth spurt. He also told me that his color changes are normal for him because of his shunt and his circulation right now.
I asked him if after this next trip to Minneapolis and Landon has his cath or whatever else he needs done, if it will be safe for us to take him to church with us? Fernandez got that concerned look on his face (which has become way to familiar) that he gets right before he crushes any tiny hope I have that we can do something out in public. He explained to me that with flu season coming up he really doesn't want Landon out hardly at all. Starting next month through April Landon will have to go in and get a shot to prevent RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) infections. So we shouldn't take him to church for a year? "I wouldn't." I love Fernandez and I take everything he says to heart, but you better believe I'm getting a second opinion on this matter when we go to Amplatz. We will be careful. We will sit in the back. We wont let anyone hold Landon. We'll leave as soon or even before church is over. I will physically sanitize the entire row we sit in before we bring him in. We will purchase a literal bubble on ebay and keep Landon inside until we get home. Ok now I'm getting a little silly, but come on!! I cannot wait until my baby is a year old to bring him to church! Every Sunday my heart aches when I see the numerous other families with their tiny babies and I had to leave mine at home :( Fernandez explained to me that a simple viral infection could be "lethal" for Landon. Lethal, there's a word you don't hear everyday. I really can't think of a better word to evoke an emotional response in a mother. Well played Fernandez, point taken. But I'm still asking someone else in Minneapolis.
So that was our appointment. Overall, it was awesome news. I left with answers and a better understanding of what the near future will look like for us.
The rest of this month is pretty uneventful. Landon has another appointment to get his head looked at to see if he qualifies for a helmet. When we went last time the man told us that Landon's head really isn't that bad. He said what insurance looks for is the flattening on the sides of the head because that is what will shift the eyes and ears and most of Landon's flattening is on the back. He wanted to wait a month to measure him for a helmet so his head will grow a little more, that way there is less of a chance of him outgrowing it before he gets the best results. The appointment for that is on the 20th so hopefully nothing blog worthy will happen until then so I can get ahead in school since Oct. is looking like a busy month.
I can't tell you guys how much it means to us that you care enough to continue to read about our family. We love each of you and pray that God blesses you and meets you wherever you are at in your journey with Him.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
9-3-12 The LONG hill
Oh my goodness, what a day! I don't even know where to begin.
Well before I get into all of the bummer things I'm going to write about, let me just pause and praise Jesus for the best 5 months of mine and Ryan's life. It's so hard to believe our baby man is that old already. He is our joy!
I was not feeling good today. I blamed it on the time of month it is (which we call pmessy in our house), but I felt like a lot of my emotions were justified. I have been thinking about what the far future may look like for Landon. I think I started really thinking about this because last week I met with some other heart moms and I was surprised to meet two adult CHD hero's. One of the women also has pulmonary artresia. It was really interesting to talk with them. They are both such amazing, strong women, but when they talked about how hard growing up was because of their heart defect, my heart just ached. They told stories about how mean kids were to them and I couldn't help but think of some child someday pointing at Landon's chest and saying, what that? That ugly. I'm getting teary just thinking about it. I think it will be much easier for Landon because he's a boy, but I know that boys can still be extremely self conscious about their appearance. Ryan of course doesn't cry about these things like I do. He tells me that Landon will be fine, that by the time he is old enough to care what other people think we will have already instilled in him a pride and respect for his scar and his story. I hope to the Lord that this is true.
Another thing that was stressing me out is the $1,000 medical bill that we somehow have to pay. Up until this our bills have been extremely doable. Medicaid has picked up most of what Ryan's insurance hasn't covered, if not all of it. $1,000 out of a $300,000 bill is NOTHING to complain about, but none the less, it's going to be a super tight month with school on top of that.
Today I was feeling the pressure of the race. I feel so honored that they want to know Landon's story and will probably announce him as we cross the finish line, but I also feel like, OH NO, what if I can't finish? That's not an option. I have to do this. Yeah, I'm feeling that kind of pressure :S
I've also been worrying about Landon a lot more lately. Maybe it was just because I'm overly emotional, but he seems like he gets tired so easily sometimes. He used to be fine until we put him to bed at 7, but now by 5 he is screaming for bed time. I've always felt so blessed that he is such a good sleeper. By 2 months he was sleeping from 7PM to 7AM, but lately I've been wondering if maybe it has something to do with how hard his heart has to work. As you can imagine, this worries me and often I'll just sit, watch him sleep, and cry because I worry so much about what is going on inside of him.
Today he only made it to 4:48 and he was out.
Lately we've also been noticing his color changing at different times of the day, for no apparent reason.
I think that a lot of my recent worrying is due to knowing 3 heart mommies who have had to watch their babies go through surgery this past week. Seriously I CANNOT imagine going through that again. I don't know how we did it the first time, but I just feel like there's no way I could survive it again. I love this boy way to much to be able to see him suffer that kind of pain again. I think it would be enough to send me to the loony bin. Know that this is probably the pmessy talking. I know deep down that whatever God calls us to do, He will give us the strength for in due time, but I'd be lying if I told you the mere thought of it doesn't break my heart to pieces.
So all of that was on my heart and mind today and then of course I had the constant thorn of school in my side. I tried to concentrate on it, but I pretty much spent the whole day reading chapters that I couldn't tell you a thing about.
Around 7 Ryan was taking Landon out of his crib while I was tying my tennis shoes. I yelled down the hall and asked him if the stroller was in the jeep? He called back. Why do we need the stroller? Am I running with you? I know he said it jokingly, but I sensed that he was offering. I pondered it. "Would you?" "uhhhh I don't know."
This morning Ryan and I were talking about driving around where the race is going to be and finding where Ryan was going to be waiting to hand Landon off to me. Just so I had a better picture of the race and I could tell the race director tomorrow what our plans are and if they will work. I told Ryan that I need to practice running the hill at least once before the race and he asked me if I wanted to do that today?
Ryan parked the jeep and we began to walk. The closer we got to the bottom of the hill the more worried I became for race day. It's a big hill people! I've never ran hills before. I don't think a treadmill on incline can really fully prepare you for the real thing.
Granted it's no mountain, but I've learned you should never judge a hill until you've ran up it.
Of course Ryan told me that he would run it with me :) Doesn't he look excited? While we were walking to the hill we played rock, paper, scissors to see who would push Landon. I lost in overtime, but Ryan didn't let me push him at all. He said I needed to focus on running.
When we made it to the bridge close to the bottom of the hill we started running. It really wasn't bad for a while. We talked and laughed. Then it happened. My side started killing me. I couldn't talk and I don't think it can be called "running" what I was doing. Seriously, can anyone actually "run" up a hill? I feel like running up a hill is more like walking a stair stepper. I used to watch people on the stair stepper at the gym. I always wondered why they went so slow. Then one day I decided to try it. I went up to the top of it and I turned it on. Like any naive person, I made the mistake of thinking that it was similar to the treadmill I ran on everyday so I held the + button down until I could feel it start to move then I let go of the button and allowed it to catch up with itself. At first it wasn't bad, but then it started going faster and faster and FASTER. I was barley able to put my foot down before it was left hanging off the disappearing step. Luckily I made it back up to the top before the crazy thing could drop me on the floor and I pressed the big red OFF button. I embarrassingly stepped off of it and almost kissed my oh so wonderful, flat treadmill when I got back to it. I've never been on a stair stepper since. I thought about that when I was "running" up the hill. I remembered how silly I thought those strange stair steppers were because they were so slow and yet they always seemed dead when they were done. Now I understand. It takes an insane amount of effort to climb a hill. You can't stride like you can on flat surfaces. The hill meets your foot before your ready for it, hence you start this horrendous hobble/jog thing. I was comforted to look over at Ryan and find that he was struggling too. Of course he was pushing a stroller with a 15Ib baby in it. That really couldn't of been easy.
I kept thinking to myself that I was going to have to do this in 12 days, except plus 12 more miles.What did I sign up for??? I was in pain, but I kept reminding myself what I put on the shirt I designed for the race. The back says, "Because with God no hill is too high to climb." (Landon's name means long hill) I knew it was true. I knew if we could get through all of the scary things we've gone through then there really isn't anything that we can't get through with God. As I was hobbling up this monster of a hill, sweat dripping down my face, side splitting, legs throbbing, my heart felt lighter then it had all day. I gave God the worries I'd been holding onto. Instead of focusing on the fear, I finally made the right choice and I was able to see the blessings all around me.
It was a LONG hill! I kept thinking it was done and yet it still had more to teach me. I still had more steps to take. Finally I saw the University of Mary sign. I knew that it was going to start leveling off. Once we got to where it was pretty flat I asked Ryan if we could stop now. "no, lets make it to where you're going to turn off. You're training babe, you're doing great." he said. "I feel like I'm going to puke out my insides." I told him back. To which he replied, "That's good." I had to giggle. I don't know under what circumstances it would ever be good for a person to physically puke out their insides, but according to my husband, running up a hill is a good one haha. So I kept putting one foot in front of the other, which pretty much sums up my entire strategy for the whole race. I know if I can do this one thing, I can make it. This is how we live now. When we got the news about Landon's heart we had to completely reorder our life. Life wasn't about being in first place anymore, it became about every step along the way. I see people who are still living life to come in first, to get the best time and it makes me sad. I know they will get to the end and they may get applause, they may feel really good about themselves, but I think about the lessons they will have missed along the way. The steps they didn't cherish, but rather rushed through.
I learned something tonight. This is just my opinion, I'm not God. But what if the reason God gave Ryan and I a long hill to climb, is because he knew we would love it. He knew we would run it in agony together and when we got to a place where we could catch our breath a little, Ryan would reach over and grab my hand. God knew that this day would come, that we would look at each other after hobbling up this hill, and we wouldn't need to speak. Just a smile and we know what the other is thinking. Maybe God gave us a long hill because he knew we would try to kiss each other while still running, smack our chins together and spend the rest of the run laughing about it. Maybe God gave us a long hill to climb because he knew we would be willing to push Landon up it with our love and our constant prayers for him.
As we ran this long hill tonight I felt so connected to this family God has given to me. We loved each other and we were connected before, but the long hill has just made us so much closer.
Thank you Jesus for Landon our beautiful long hill.
I wish our night ended there, but it went out with a BANG! We drove our jeep back home and were sitting in it watching our neighbor park his huge pickup truck with a tv in it big enough for us to see from across the street. we sat there asking each other why someone who can afford a huge truck with a big screen tv in it would live in our tiny, cheap apartments? We were laughing and people watching from our jeep when I heard a huge BANG or maybe more of a POP! Ryan claims that there was no such noise and that I probably just heard him opening the hood. I don't know, I just remember hearing a loud noise, screaming AHH our engine just blew up, seeing smoke pouring out of our hood, being concerned that our jeep was going to blow, running out of the jeep, getting Landon and placing him far enough away from the jeep that I figured he wouldn't also blow up. Once I knew Landon was safe I walked back to the jeep where Ryan was standing looking inside the hood. Smoke was billowing out. Liquid was pouring out of the bottom and forming one huge smelly puddle. Ryan closed the hood walked over to me and said calmly, "Well I guess we wont be driving that for a month."
So there we left our jeep and there it will sit until we have extra money to fix it :(
Walking up to our apartment, Ryan told me that it's going to be okay. When we got inside I took off my shoes and walked over to our bed. I sat on the side, placed my face in my hands and cried. Ryan came over and asked what was wrong? "What's wrong?!? Babe, we have $1,000 to pay, school this month, we will hardly have money for groceries and now this!!" Ryan tried to comfort me by telling me that we will just wait and fix the jeep hopefully next month. I reminded him that the jeep is our "reliable" vehicle. What are we going to use for traveling? Landon's going to need to travel for appointments soon, insert more tears. We sat in silence for a couple seconds and then I asked Ryan if he would pray. He prayed that God would provide. That He would give us wisdom to know what to do. That we would trust that He was in control and He would use all of this for good. I felt so much better after that. That may sound silly to some of you. Our circumstances hadn't changed at all, but because Ryan prayed, our perspective of them did. We embraced and I thought about the night that I had to tell Ryan there was something wrong with our baby. We sat right in those same spots and cried. Ryan prayed that night too. He prayed that we would trust and he told God that we know He had a plan in all of this. We are so blessed that we have gone through these terrible times because now we can look back on them and remember God's faithfulness to us. We were able to find peace tonight because we know that God has been faithful before and He will be faithful again.
Looking back now, I can see Gods hand of protection. What if we didn't go run the hill tonight? Ryan would of taken the jeep to work tomorrow and it could of blown up while he was on the interstate. It was no accident that our neighbor was acting strange enough for us to stop and watch him for an unusual amount of time, while sitting in a running, parked vehicle. It is a complete bummer of a situation, but it could of been SO much worse. At least no one was hurt. Thank you Jesus.
So that was the last push I needed to finally post my journal entries about the race. We need people praying for us right now. Life is hard. We're living on love.... and leftovers ;) I would really appreciate it if all of you Warroad followers could resist the urge to mention me running the race to my dad. I REALLY want to surprise him :)
Will keep you posted on our crazy journey.
Just one more forced foot in front of the other.
Well before I get into all of the bummer things I'm going to write about, let me just pause and praise Jesus for the best 5 months of mine and Ryan's life. It's so hard to believe our baby man is that old already. He is our joy!
I was not feeling good today. I blamed it on the time of month it is (which we call pmessy in our house), but I felt like a lot of my emotions were justified. I have been thinking about what the far future may look like for Landon. I think I started really thinking about this because last week I met with some other heart moms and I was surprised to meet two adult CHD hero's. One of the women also has pulmonary artresia. It was really interesting to talk with them. They are both such amazing, strong women, but when they talked about how hard growing up was because of their heart defect, my heart just ached. They told stories about how mean kids were to them and I couldn't help but think of some child someday pointing at Landon's chest and saying, what that? That ugly. I'm getting teary just thinking about it. I think it will be much easier for Landon because he's a boy, but I know that boys can still be extremely self conscious about their appearance. Ryan of course doesn't cry about these things like I do. He tells me that Landon will be fine, that by the time he is old enough to care what other people think we will have already instilled in him a pride and respect for his scar and his story. I hope to the Lord that this is true.
Another thing that was stressing me out is the $1,000 medical bill that we somehow have to pay. Up until this our bills have been extremely doable. Medicaid has picked up most of what Ryan's insurance hasn't covered, if not all of it. $1,000 out of a $300,000 bill is NOTHING to complain about, but none the less, it's going to be a super tight month with school on top of that.
Today I was feeling the pressure of the race. I feel so honored that they want to know Landon's story and will probably announce him as we cross the finish line, but I also feel like, OH NO, what if I can't finish? That's not an option. I have to do this. Yeah, I'm feeling that kind of pressure :S
I've also been worrying about Landon a lot more lately. Maybe it was just because I'm overly emotional, but he seems like he gets tired so easily sometimes. He used to be fine until we put him to bed at 7, but now by 5 he is screaming for bed time. I've always felt so blessed that he is such a good sleeper. By 2 months he was sleeping from 7PM to 7AM, but lately I've been wondering if maybe it has something to do with how hard his heart has to work. As you can imagine, this worries me and often I'll just sit, watch him sleep, and cry because I worry so much about what is going on inside of him.
Today he only made it to 4:48 and he was out.
Lately we've also been noticing his color changing at different times of the day, for no apparent reason.
I think that a lot of my recent worrying is due to knowing 3 heart mommies who have had to watch their babies go through surgery this past week. Seriously I CANNOT imagine going through that again. I don't know how we did it the first time, but I just feel like there's no way I could survive it again. I love this boy way to much to be able to see him suffer that kind of pain again. I think it would be enough to send me to the loony bin. Know that this is probably the pmessy talking. I know deep down that whatever God calls us to do, He will give us the strength for in due time, but I'd be lying if I told you the mere thought of it doesn't break my heart to pieces.
So all of that was on my heart and mind today and then of course I had the constant thorn of school in my side. I tried to concentrate on it, but I pretty much spent the whole day reading chapters that I couldn't tell you a thing about.
Around 7 Ryan was taking Landon out of his crib while I was tying my tennis shoes. I yelled down the hall and asked him if the stroller was in the jeep? He called back. Why do we need the stroller? Am I running with you? I know he said it jokingly, but I sensed that he was offering. I pondered it. "Would you?" "uhhhh I don't know."
This morning Ryan and I were talking about driving around where the race is going to be and finding where Ryan was going to be waiting to hand Landon off to me. Just so I had a better picture of the race and I could tell the race director tomorrow what our plans are and if they will work. I told Ryan that I need to practice running the hill at least once before the race and he asked me if I wanted to do that today?
Ryan parked the jeep and we began to walk. The closer we got to the bottom of the hill the more worried I became for race day. It's a big hill people! I've never ran hills before. I don't think a treadmill on incline can really fully prepare you for the real thing.
Granted it's no mountain, but I've learned you should never judge a hill until you've ran up it.
Of course Ryan told me that he would run it with me :) Doesn't he look excited? While we were walking to the hill we played rock, paper, scissors to see who would push Landon. I lost in overtime, but Ryan didn't let me push him at all. He said I needed to focus on running.
When we made it to the bridge close to the bottom of the hill we started running. It really wasn't bad for a while. We talked and laughed. Then it happened. My side started killing me. I couldn't talk and I don't think it can be called "running" what I was doing. Seriously, can anyone actually "run" up a hill? I feel like running up a hill is more like walking a stair stepper. I used to watch people on the stair stepper at the gym. I always wondered why they went so slow. Then one day I decided to try it. I went up to the top of it and I turned it on. Like any naive person, I made the mistake of thinking that it was similar to the treadmill I ran on everyday so I held the + button down until I could feel it start to move then I let go of the button and allowed it to catch up with itself. At first it wasn't bad, but then it started going faster and faster and FASTER. I was barley able to put my foot down before it was left hanging off the disappearing step. Luckily I made it back up to the top before the crazy thing could drop me on the floor and I pressed the big red OFF button. I embarrassingly stepped off of it and almost kissed my oh so wonderful, flat treadmill when I got back to it. I've never been on a stair stepper since. I thought about that when I was "running" up the hill. I remembered how silly I thought those strange stair steppers were because they were so slow and yet they always seemed dead when they were done. Now I understand. It takes an insane amount of effort to climb a hill. You can't stride like you can on flat surfaces. The hill meets your foot before your ready for it, hence you start this horrendous hobble/jog thing. I was comforted to look over at Ryan and find that he was struggling too. Of course he was pushing a stroller with a 15Ib baby in it. That really couldn't of been easy.
I kept thinking to myself that I was going to have to do this in 12 days, except plus 12 more miles.What did I sign up for??? I was in pain, but I kept reminding myself what I put on the shirt I designed for the race. The back says, "Because with God no hill is too high to climb." (Landon's name means long hill) I knew it was true. I knew if we could get through all of the scary things we've gone through then there really isn't anything that we can't get through with God. As I was hobbling up this monster of a hill, sweat dripping down my face, side splitting, legs throbbing, my heart felt lighter then it had all day. I gave God the worries I'd been holding onto. Instead of focusing on the fear, I finally made the right choice and I was able to see the blessings all around me.
It was a LONG hill! I kept thinking it was done and yet it still had more to teach me. I still had more steps to take. Finally I saw the University of Mary sign. I knew that it was going to start leveling off. Once we got to where it was pretty flat I asked Ryan if we could stop now. "no, lets make it to where you're going to turn off. You're training babe, you're doing great." he said. "I feel like I'm going to puke out my insides." I told him back. To which he replied, "That's good." I had to giggle. I don't know under what circumstances it would ever be good for a person to physically puke out their insides, but according to my husband, running up a hill is a good one haha. So I kept putting one foot in front of the other, which pretty much sums up my entire strategy for the whole race. I know if I can do this one thing, I can make it. This is how we live now. When we got the news about Landon's heart we had to completely reorder our life. Life wasn't about being in first place anymore, it became about every step along the way. I see people who are still living life to come in first, to get the best time and it makes me sad. I know they will get to the end and they may get applause, they may feel really good about themselves, but I think about the lessons they will have missed along the way. The steps they didn't cherish, but rather rushed through.
I learned something tonight. This is just my opinion, I'm not God. But what if the reason God gave Ryan and I a long hill to climb, is because he knew we would love it. He knew we would run it in agony together and when we got to a place where we could catch our breath a little, Ryan would reach over and grab my hand. God knew that this day would come, that we would look at each other after hobbling up this hill, and we wouldn't need to speak. Just a smile and we know what the other is thinking. Maybe God gave us a long hill because he knew we would try to kiss each other while still running, smack our chins together and spend the rest of the run laughing about it. Maybe God gave us a long hill to climb because he knew we would be willing to push Landon up it with our love and our constant prayers for him.
As we ran this long hill tonight I felt so connected to this family God has given to me. We loved each other and we were connected before, but the long hill has just made us so much closer.
Thank you Jesus for Landon our beautiful long hill.
So there we left our jeep and there it will sit until we have extra money to fix it :(
Walking up to our apartment, Ryan told me that it's going to be okay. When we got inside I took off my shoes and walked over to our bed. I sat on the side, placed my face in my hands and cried. Ryan came over and asked what was wrong? "What's wrong?!? Babe, we have $1,000 to pay, school this month, we will hardly have money for groceries and now this!!" Ryan tried to comfort me by telling me that we will just wait and fix the jeep hopefully next month. I reminded him that the jeep is our "reliable" vehicle. What are we going to use for traveling? Landon's going to need to travel for appointments soon, insert more tears. We sat in silence for a couple seconds and then I asked Ryan if he would pray. He prayed that God would provide. That He would give us wisdom to know what to do. That we would trust that He was in control and He would use all of this for good. I felt so much better after that. That may sound silly to some of you. Our circumstances hadn't changed at all, but because Ryan prayed, our perspective of them did. We embraced and I thought about the night that I had to tell Ryan there was something wrong with our baby. We sat right in those same spots and cried. Ryan prayed that night too. He prayed that we would trust and he told God that we know He had a plan in all of this. We are so blessed that we have gone through these terrible times because now we can look back on them and remember God's faithfulness to us. We were able to find peace tonight because we know that God has been faithful before and He will be faithful again.
Looking back now, I can see Gods hand of protection. What if we didn't go run the hill tonight? Ryan would of taken the jeep to work tomorrow and it could of blown up while he was on the interstate. It was no accident that our neighbor was acting strange enough for us to stop and watch him for an unusual amount of time, while sitting in a running, parked vehicle. It is a complete bummer of a situation, but it could of been SO much worse. At least no one was hurt. Thank you Jesus.
So that was the last push I needed to finally post my journal entries about the race. We need people praying for us right now. Life is hard. We're living on love.... and leftovers ;) I would really appreciate it if all of you Warroad followers could resist the urge to mention me running the race to my dad. I REALLY want to surprise him :)
Will keep you posted on our crazy journey.
Just one more forced foot in front of the other.
8-31-12 Call me crazy journal entry #2
I was designing the shirt I would wear to celebrate Landon, in my head, when I imagined this picture of me crossing the finish line pushing Landon in his stroller. Finishing it together! The mere thought almost brought tears to my eyes. I knew that I couldn't push Landon for 13.2 miles, but what if Ryan had the stroller ready and was waiting at the last mile? I knew that being able to look down into his beautiful eyes would be all the inspiration I would need to make it to the finish line.
I went onto the website for the race and found the disappointing news that strollers are NOT allowed. :( Hmmm I found the contact information and wrote a quick email telling them that I understand that strollers aren't allowed, but I was wondering if they would allow it just for the last mile or even 1/4 mile. I told them it would mean the world for me to finish with my son and I explained a little bit of Landon's journey. I sent it, thinking they would get it and I would receive a polite email back saying that they can't bend the rules for just one person. I would of totally understood that, but today... tears filled my eyes as I read this.
Natalie, our race does not allow strollers or dogs on the course. This is due to safety concerns. However, after having discussed your situation we feel we can come to an accommodation in your case. If you can have someone with the stroller near the end of the race you can run across the line with it, being mindful of runners that may be trying to pass you etc. I would like you to give me a call to discuss the logistics of this so we are on the same page. Also, (name deleted to protect the innocent;) would like to touch base with you regarding the back story of you and your son. He does sound like a little fighter!
-race commitee
I couldn't believe it. I got chills. Lord, You're behind all this, I can feel it :)
I was so pumped!! I was nervous though. I knew I had to kick it into gear. I only have two weeks to get ready for this thing! As any runner knows, you need months to truly train for a race. Two weeks, is pretty much suicidal, or just plain stupidity, but what can I say? Sometimes God calls you to do something that, in all reality, seems absolutely stupid.
When Ryan got home from work, I grabbed my mase, clipped my ipod to my shirt, grabbed my phone in my other hand, and headed out.
I knew I needed to run longer then I'd ran in over a year. I had to do something hard to prove to myself that this was going to be okay. That I could do this.
I thought it was only fitting to listen to the same playlist I'd listened to a million times when Landon was inside of me. I hadn't listened to it since the days when I would go the gym, walk on the treadmill and cry. I really didn't care what people thought, my pain was too real to be fake. This playlist consists of a mixture of Matt Hammit, Gungor, and Hillsong.
As I ran and let the words carry me, I remembered. I remembered the horrific pain I felt everyday for my child. The all consuming fear of the unknown. Tears fell down my face as I thought about our journey. How good God is. I heard the words of the songs, but I heard them with a new heart, one not so full of fear, one so aware of pain, but one that truly believes that God can make something beautiful out of nothing but shattered dreams.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new - Gungor
As I listened to these words I was suddenly so aware that I am not the same person I was when I was pregnant. During that time, God completely broke me. He challenged everything I thought I believed. I would of always told you that I believed in God's redeeming power, but now I have felt it first hand.
God you've changed me. That's what this race is going to symbolize. It will symbolize how, if you allow it, pain will carry you, and make you stronger. I ran tonight, I ran, and I ran, and I ran and I cried...alot. I cried whenever I pictured finishing the race with Landon. I cried when I thought of people cheering for him. I cried when I thought about the conversations I will have with people who will ask about him because of the picture on my shirt (if it gets here in time).
I know that this race is going to bring healing to my soul. Dare I say some closure? I know our hill is not over, but I'm thinking of this race as a pause to rest and celebrate how far we HAVE come. How far I've come as an individual. How far Landon's come. How far our marriage has come. How far our family has come, all because we clung to a God, who makes all things new.
YES, bring on the blisters and the celebration!!!!
Just for a foot note. I just have to brag on my family for a bit...
I got home from my run tonight to find our apartment spotless (except for the bedroom, but who could blame him with that monstrous pile of laundry), Landon bathed and in bed (early!!), and Ryan sitting at the table printing off my whole class worth of notes for the next 8 weeks. He printed them, hole punched them, and neatly placed them in a binder for me. Have I said before that I love that man :D
Then I went into Landon's room to find this... does life get any better??
My inspiration, my miracle.
I am not sure when I will actually have the courage to post these journal entries. Truthfully I'm not sure I want the accountability haha... we'll see :)
I went onto the website for the race and found the disappointing news that strollers are NOT allowed. :( Hmmm I found the contact information and wrote a quick email telling them that I understand that strollers aren't allowed, but I was wondering if they would allow it just for the last mile or even 1/4 mile. I told them it would mean the world for me to finish with my son and I explained a little bit of Landon's journey. I sent it, thinking they would get it and I would receive a polite email back saying that they can't bend the rules for just one person. I would of totally understood that, but today... tears filled my eyes as I read this.
Natalie, our race does not allow strollers or dogs on the course. This is due to safety concerns. However, after having discussed your situation we feel we can come to an accommodation in your case. If you can have someone with the stroller near the end of the race you can run across the line with it, being mindful of runners that may be trying to pass you etc. I would like you to give me a call to discuss the logistics of this so we are on the same page. Also, (name deleted to protect the innocent;) would like to touch base with you regarding the back story of you and your son. He does sound like a little fighter!
-race commitee
I couldn't believe it. I got chills. Lord, You're behind all this, I can feel it :)
I was so pumped!! I was nervous though. I knew I had to kick it into gear. I only have two weeks to get ready for this thing! As any runner knows, you need months to truly train for a race. Two weeks, is pretty much suicidal, or just plain stupidity, but what can I say? Sometimes God calls you to do something that, in all reality, seems absolutely stupid.
When Ryan got home from work, I grabbed my mase, clipped my ipod to my shirt, grabbed my phone in my other hand, and headed out.
I knew I needed to run longer then I'd ran in over a year. I had to do something hard to prove to myself that this was going to be okay. That I could do this.
I thought it was only fitting to listen to the same playlist I'd listened to a million times when Landon was inside of me. I hadn't listened to it since the days when I would go the gym, walk on the treadmill and cry. I really didn't care what people thought, my pain was too real to be fake. This playlist consists of a mixture of Matt Hammit, Gungor, and Hillsong.
As I ran and let the words carry me, I remembered. I remembered the horrific pain I felt everyday for my child. The all consuming fear of the unknown. Tears fell down my face as I thought about our journey. How good God is. I heard the words of the songs, but I heard them with a new heart, one not so full of fear, one so aware of pain, but one that truly believes that God can make something beautiful out of nothing but shattered dreams.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new - Gungor
As I listened to these words I was suddenly so aware that I am not the same person I was when I was pregnant. During that time, God completely broke me. He challenged everything I thought I believed. I would of always told you that I believed in God's redeeming power, but now I have felt it first hand.
God you've changed me. That's what this race is going to symbolize. It will symbolize how, if you allow it, pain will carry you, and make you stronger. I ran tonight, I ran, and I ran, and I ran and I cried...alot. I cried whenever I pictured finishing the race with Landon. I cried when I thought of people cheering for him. I cried when I thought about the conversations I will have with people who will ask about him because of the picture on my shirt (if it gets here in time).
I know that this race is going to bring healing to my soul. Dare I say some closure? I know our hill is not over, but I'm thinking of this race as a pause to rest and celebrate how far we HAVE come. How far I've come as an individual. How far Landon's come. How far our marriage has come. How far our family has come, all because we clung to a God, who makes all things new.
YES, bring on the blisters and the celebration!!!!
Just for a foot note. I just have to brag on my family for a bit...
I got home from my run tonight to find our apartment spotless (except for the bedroom, but who could blame him with that monstrous pile of laundry), Landon bathed and in bed (early!!), and Ryan sitting at the table printing off my whole class worth of notes for the next 8 weeks. He printed them, hole punched them, and neatly placed them in a binder for me. Have I said before that I love that man :D
Then I went into Landon's room to find this... does life get any better??
My inspiration, my miracle.
I am not sure when I will actually have the courage to post these journal entries. Truthfully I'm not sure I want the accountability haha... we'll see :)
8-31-12 Call me crazy journal entry #1
So it all started yesterday... oh my goodness, it was really just yesterday? Wow!
My mom called and said, "Your dad wants me to ask you one more time if you'd like to do the race with him?" My response, HA Mom, I haven't ran more than 5 miles since having Landon, there's no way I could do it." "I know, but he wanted me to ask you." We chatted a little more, hung up, and went about our day. To fill you in, my dad has become a crazy psycho runner. After he runs the Bismarck half marathon on September 15th, he will have ran 3 half's in the past 6 months. He ran the Bismarck race last year as well and my brother surprised him when they got here and told him that he was signed up to run it too. I know this meant the world to my dad and he's probably thinking about it and missing my brother. My brother is a missionary in Australia and come October it will have been a year since we all have seen him. Don't get me started or I'll be crying I miss him so much :(
I was thinking about last year and how I lied to my dad and told him I couldn't run the race with them because of my foot when really I was 3 months pregnant. Is it considered a lie when you have every intention of fessing up when the time is right and the secrets out? Out of nowhere the thought came to me, "what if I surprise my dad this year?" What if I sign up, but don't tell him until he arrives? AH He would be so shocked!! Whoa whoa whoaaaa Natalie, let's not forget you haven't been training. Insert sad, deep in thought face. True. Then God decided to step in to my random crazy inward ramblings. He didn't say anything really, He just gave my heart and mind a familiar peace. It was the same peace I felt back when I was 18 and something pulled me to open the email from world vision titled "Chicago half marathon". Looking back, there is no explanation for why I opened it. I usually deleted all the emails from them because they made me feel guilty that I couldn't buy someone a goat or build a village a well. So it was a miracle I opened the email, but that I opened in even after I read "Chicago half marathon" that's really mind blowing! But I did open it. I opened it and I read it. I read about how World Vision had a team that would be running in Chicago. They would be raising awareness and support up until the race and then they would run in their bright orange shirts and talk to people all along the way about starving children in Africa and how they can sponsor a child and save a life. I didn't stop there. I clicked on the links that took me to numerous inspirational videos that told me that I didn't have to be an expert runner to do this, all I needed was a lot of heart and commitment. My heart began to fill the longer I played with the thought of doing this. "God, I'm not a runner." "Do you trust me to be your strength?"....... "Ok, let's do it." So then and there the seed was planted. I had no idea how I would do it, I had never ran further then 3 miles and I hated ever second of it. I had no idea how my parents would let me do it. My mom came home from work that day and I told her, "Mom, I'm supposed to run a half marathon in Chicago." I think her response was something along the lines of HA HA HA!! I told her I was serious and the next day I downloaded a training schedule and I stuck to it. It was a miracle, but I DID IT!!
And it was amazing. It was life changing. I only raised around $300, but through the experience God showed me that He had planes for me that were so much bigger then what I thought "I" could do. He showed me it's not about me at all. Towards the end of the race I was telling myself, this is ludicrous!! Who does this?? Never again!! Then on the drive home from Chicago I wrote in my journal that next was a FULL marathon.
There is just something about long distance running that hooks you. Sure waking up at 5AM and lacing up your shoes is pure torture, but then there are those moments, those moments when your so lost in thought that you don't even realize that every muscle from your waste down is numb. After I ran this race I knew that running would be a huge part of my life from that day forward. The narrow gravel road that led out to my parents house became my sanctuary. That's what I would call it, and God never failed to meet me there.
Soon after this race I ran another half marathon with Ryan. It was kind of a test of his love for me ;) He passed. He could of gotten a much better time, but instead he let his friend disappear into the distance and he stuck it out with me. I knew he was a keeper before the race, but I after that, I knew there was no road that we couldn't travel together, no mountain we couldn't climb, hand in sweaty hand.
Then it happened, shortly after Ryan and I got engaged, I ventured out of the territory of "half" and into the unknown wilderness of "full"
It truly was the impossible, but again, by the power of God, I did it.
Then I did the INSANE. I signed up to run a full marathon two weeks before our wedding. I know people thought I was trying to kill myself, but by this time, I had learned that I needed to run. I needed to meet God in the sanctuary of the pavement. believe me! You really can't help but pray, think, and process, on a 20 mile run. While on my training runs I would picture the race. I would picture crossing the finish line, knowing that I just ended a huge chapter of my life and now I was ready to begin the next. And that was exactly what that marathon was for me. It was a celebration of my childhood, my family, our dating relationship and engagement, all coming to a beautiful finish line.
I crossed it, and two weeks later Ryan and I began a whole new journey.
So with that said, yesterday I found myself asking God what this race would celebrate/symbolize? The answer was clear almost before I thought it.... Landon. Of course. I had to do this for Landon. Because I was not prepared for him. I was not ready. I told God I couldn't do it. I told God I didn't want to do it. But we did it, Landon did it, GOD did it. This race will celebrate answered prayer and symbolize how nothing is impossible when you trust God and just place one foot in front of the other.
My mom called and said, "Your dad wants me to ask you one more time if you'd like to do the race with him?" My response, HA Mom, I haven't ran more than 5 miles since having Landon, there's no way I could do it." "I know, but he wanted me to ask you." We chatted a little more, hung up, and went about our day. To fill you in, my dad has become a crazy psycho runner. After he runs the Bismarck half marathon on September 15th, he will have ran 3 half's in the past 6 months. He ran the Bismarck race last year as well and my brother surprised him when they got here and told him that he was signed up to run it too. I know this meant the world to my dad and he's probably thinking about it and missing my brother. My brother is a missionary in Australia and come October it will have been a year since we all have seen him. Don't get me started or I'll be crying I miss him so much :(
I was thinking about last year and how I lied to my dad and told him I couldn't run the race with them because of my foot when really I was 3 months pregnant. Is it considered a lie when you have every intention of fessing up when the time is right and the secrets out? Out of nowhere the thought came to me, "what if I surprise my dad this year?" What if I sign up, but don't tell him until he arrives? AH He would be so shocked!! Whoa whoa whoaaaa Natalie, let's not forget you haven't been training. Insert sad, deep in thought face. True. Then God decided to step in to my random crazy inward ramblings. He didn't say anything really, He just gave my heart and mind a familiar peace. It was the same peace I felt back when I was 18 and something pulled me to open the email from world vision titled "Chicago half marathon". Looking back, there is no explanation for why I opened it. I usually deleted all the emails from them because they made me feel guilty that I couldn't buy someone a goat or build a village a well. So it was a miracle I opened the email, but that I opened in even after I read "Chicago half marathon" that's really mind blowing! But I did open it. I opened it and I read it. I read about how World Vision had a team that would be running in Chicago. They would be raising awareness and support up until the race and then they would run in their bright orange shirts and talk to people all along the way about starving children in Africa and how they can sponsor a child and save a life. I didn't stop there. I clicked on the links that took me to numerous inspirational videos that told me that I didn't have to be an expert runner to do this, all I needed was a lot of heart and commitment. My heart began to fill the longer I played with the thought of doing this. "God, I'm not a runner." "Do you trust me to be your strength?"....... "Ok, let's do it." So then and there the seed was planted. I had no idea how I would do it, I had never ran further then 3 miles and I hated ever second of it. I had no idea how my parents would let me do it. My mom came home from work that day and I told her, "Mom, I'm supposed to run a half marathon in Chicago." I think her response was something along the lines of HA HA HA!! I told her I was serious and the next day I downloaded a training schedule and I stuck to it. It was a miracle, but I DID IT!!
And it was amazing. It was life changing. I only raised around $300, but through the experience God showed me that He had planes for me that were so much bigger then what I thought "I" could do. He showed me it's not about me at all. Towards the end of the race I was telling myself, this is ludicrous!! Who does this?? Never again!! Then on the drive home from Chicago I wrote in my journal that next was a FULL marathon.
There is just something about long distance running that hooks you. Sure waking up at 5AM and lacing up your shoes is pure torture, but then there are those moments, those moments when your so lost in thought that you don't even realize that every muscle from your waste down is numb. After I ran this race I knew that running would be a huge part of my life from that day forward. The narrow gravel road that led out to my parents house became my sanctuary. That's what I would call it, and God never failed to meet me there.
Soon after this race I ran another half marathon with Ryan. It was kind of a test of his love for me ;) He passed. He could of gotten a much better time, but instead he let his friend disappear into the distance and he stuck it out with me. I knew he was a keeper before the race, but I after that, I knew there was no road that we couldn't travel together, no mountain we couldn't climb, hand in sweaty hand.
Then it happened, shortly after Ryan and I got engaged, I ventured out of the territory of "half" and into the unknown wilderness of "full"
It truly was the impossible, but again, by the power of God, I did it.
Then I did the INSANE. I signed up to run a full marathon two weeks before our wedding. I know people thought I was trying to kill myself, but by this time, I had learned that I needed to run. I needed to meet God in the sanctuary of the pavement. believe me! You really can't help but pray, think, and process, on a 20 mile run. While on my training runs I would picture the race. I would picture crossing the finish line, knowing that I just ended a huge chapter of my life and now I was ready to begin the next. And that was exactly what that marathon was for me. It was a celebration of my childhood, my family, our dating relationship and engagement, all coming to a beautiful finish line.
I crossed it, and two weeks later Ryan and I began a whole new journey.
So with that said, yesterday I found myself asking God what this race would celebrate/symbolize? The answer was clear almost before I thought it.... Landon. Of course. I had to do this for Landon. Because I was not prepared for him. I was not ready. I told God I couldn't do it. I told God I didn't want to do it. But we did it, Landon did it, GOD did it. This race will celebrate answered prayer and symbolize how nothing is impossible when you trust God and just place one foot in front of the other.
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