That was my response to my boss asking me how I was doing at work yesterday. Every hour seemed to creep by, even with how much I love each of the kids in my class, it was so difficult to be there when every thought I have is on my Landon right now.
This wound is still so fresh, I am learning how to live with it. It is hard when people tell me not to worry, that doctors can do so much now days that Landon will be fine. They may be right and I know they are only trying to encourage me... but there are just some things that words can't make right, hugs are so much better. Please just let me cry instead of dismissing my sons story and telling me about your relative who went through something even worse. I can not let the few disheartening things others have said to me hurt me when there has been thousands more encouraging, loving, and supportive things spoken and prayed over our family. Just yesterday I was reading my Bible during the kids nap time and feeling so alone when my childhood friend who now lives in Bismarck came into my room. She hugged me, there is just something about hugs, I can hold myself together most of the time around people, but hugs break me every time. Her visit was like God Himself bringing me hot chocolate just to let me know that He is with me.
I started feeling very sick towards the end of my day. I was losing my voice and my cough was becoming uncontrollable. They let me leave an hour early. I was surprised to find our door unlocked when I got home. Ryan wasn't able to make it through a full day of work either. He made me go to bed, but I couldn't sleep so I did more research and read more stories and comments people have left me. I was so excited to see a message on my Facebook from a woman I don't know, but she told me her son has the exact same condition as Landon. She told me that U of M is the best and their doctors will put me at ease. She told me that nothing anyone could say will prepare me and Ryan for what we will face ahead, but that she was here to answer any questions I may have. I thank God for brining a mother into my life who has gone down this road. I will continue to stay in contact with her.
We went to bed early, but I woke up in the middle of the night feeling horrible. I could hardly get words out, my throat felt like it was swelling shut. I could tell Ryan was getting more and more worried about me. It was a long night as we both waited for 9 o clock to arrive so I could go to the clinic. I was able to get a little sleep, but we left for the clinic this morning. The doctor listened to our story, looked me over and told me that he wishes there was more he could do for me. But, my sinuses are just all out of whack from lack of sleep and stress. He was very nice and wanted to know about Landon. He told me that U of M will give him the best care that he could get anywhere. He told me that it will be a hard road and we have many more sleepless nights ahead of us, but it's a road that can be traveled. Talking to him was very encouraging to both of us. We left and Ryan drove to Target to get a humidifier and some allergy medicine that the doctor approved. Then he drove me home, gave me a pill and shut me up our bedroom with this humidifier. I actually slept for a couple hours. I know how needed that was. I've gotten probably 12 hours of sleep the last 3 nights. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't know how I'm taking care of Landon when I'm not able to take care of myself. this thought scares me, but with every kick I'm reminded that He's safe in the arms of the Father.
We are still waiting on a call from U of M which is extremely frustrating. I just want to know what is next. I want to know when my next appointment is so I can look forward to something... to seeing my Landon again... to finding out anything we can about him... to learning whatever we have to so that we can prepare to take care of him. One of the hardest things is just this feeling of helplessness. It's why I can't sleep or do anything where I feel like I'm not doing anything. Ryan reminds me constantly that I need to just relax and trust God. He tells me that's the most important thing I can do for Landon right now. I know he's right, it's just so hard to let go.
I read this in the book "Jesus Calling" today by Sarah Young
Dec. 10
When your private world feels unsteady and you grip my hand for support, you are living in conscious dependance on Me.
Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence. In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face. Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.
I feel like I am a long way from saying this is pure joy. But I do thank God that He is in control and my helplessness only highlights His radiance and reminds me of my dependance.
Again, thank you to everyone who is praying for our family it means more than you could know and each prayer is accomplishing something in our lives. Know that we are thanking God for you and praying he blesses you for your love.
-Landon's momma
4 comments:
Once when I was going through a very dark valley, I was crying while I was driving to work. I came to a curve in the road and was staring straight at the sun. Normally I would pull the visor down so the sun wouldn't hurt my eyes, but on that day the sun was shielded by clouds. I could look at it and see it's perfectly round shape. That was when God told me that my troubles were like the clouds shielding the sun. When the clouds aren't there I can't bare to look at it's brilliance, but with the clouds there I can see it's shape. When everything is going well in my life, looking at God's glory is blinding. But when there are troubles they allow me to see God's character and love. It comforted me greatly. I hope it will comfort you too. Hugs from Atlanta.
Thank you so much, Natalie, for blogging your thoughts! It sure helps the rest of us understand better. Our whole family is praying for Landon, and you and Ryan. He may not know it yet, but Landon has the best parents in the world, made just for him, that because of their love for God, will receive the best care, love, and God's help in time of trouble. Also praying that your doctor's appointment in the cities will bring you a sense of peace, comfort, and knowledge in what to expect. We love you all!
With every prayer, with every sigh, with every tear, you and Ryan and your families grow closer to God, even when He can feel so far away. We've all heard the stories of the morning after a storm, the lows before the highs, etc. However, when you are in the midst of the store, the depths of the lows, do we need to feel the closeness of God through each other. Natalie, I'm so glad that your friend showed up to give you the hug you needed at that time. I pray that each time you or Ryan need that affirmation, God will be ever present in the touch of someone, even if it's comes in the hand of a child in your classroom, the touch on the arm from a salesperson, or the loving arms of each other. God is with you, God is for you, God is around you - Always. LoveYa!
Natalie,
Many prayers to your dear Landon. And prayer to you and Ryan to cope with such a challenging situation. I hope you continue writing so honestly and openly and I hope you will accept a hug from a loving stranger. {{HUG}}
Jessica Rohrig
(I am an old youth student of your father-in-laws. I was invited to your wedding but I was unable to fly, as I was in my third trimester at the time.)
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