Out of my control

I am exhausted and thought I would be able to nap once I got back to my aunts, but sleep isn't coming so I figure I should write while it's all still fresh. My doctors appointment today did not go as I expected. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got. I was happy to see that I got the same tech as I had last time I was there. She is really nice and talkative. She was surprised at how low Landon is. She couldn't even get a picture of his face because his head is so low now... so first week without any pictures :( But the ultra sound overall went really good. She told me Landon is practicing breathing which is awesome and his heart rate was right on. I was anxiously waiting to find out how much he weighs, when she told me 5Ibs 2oz I was taken aback. I did the math in my head and that only added up to half a pound in two weeks. He should be packing on the weight right now. The tech assured me that it could just be the difference in machines here and in Bismarck and not to worry. She left and me and my aunt talked as we waited for the doctor to arrive.

The doctor came in and right away I just didn't like him. He walked in awkwardly without introducing himself, sat down, told me who he was and then started talking about how my baby isn't growing. He said sometimes this just happens and they don't know why. He said it looks like the placenta is failing and they will want to see me twice a week now. He said they will be watching the placenta, umbilical cord and the fluid around the baby (I don't like how he didn't even take the time to ask me Landon's name like other doctors have done). If Landon is unable to receive the nutrition he needs from the placenta then they will have to induce me before I reach 39 weeks. Then he ended with, "any questions?"

By this time I am in shock, because he just unloaded all of this on me with absolutely no emotion (it felt so heartless). The only question I could think to ask was, "Is there anything I can do to help him start gaining more?" He just looked at me and said, "no, nothing." My aunt thought to ask a couple more questions and then he was out the door. I don't remember him saying good-bye or anything. It was clear he wanted to be somewhere else, but did he really have to drop a bomb on me and leave before I even had time to process what he just said? I felt numb. I followed another nurse to a different room to take my blood pressure and weight and then we met my aunt in the consultant room where she went over with me a bunch of papers and gave me a bunch of  phone numbers I need. Then she sent us out to schedule the next 3 weeks of appointments. I will be having ultrasounds every Tues. and Fri. and also meeting with an OB on Tuesdays.

It was nice to come back to my basement at my aunts house. I need to be by myself right now. I need to process today. I need to let myself cry. I am so scared, today knocked the wind out of me. In Bismarck I was told every week that Landon is a big baby and that he will have such a better chance because of it, and now I am scared to death that he won't grow anymore. 5Ibs is not a horrible weight, baby's are born that weight all the time, but because Landon is going to be facing so many other challenges, weight is such a huge factor for him. I am just so scared. I cannot explain with words what it feels like to have a life inside of you that you are completely helpless to protect. The doctor told me that this change is not because of anything I did, but that doesn't stop me from questioning myself over and over, wondering why. Since finding out about Landon I have been able to find comfort in knowing that he is safe inside of me. I no longer have that assurance and that terrifies me.

I can't really think of anything else to say except to beg you to pray. Please pray that the doctor is wrong. Pray that Landon continues to stay in me and grow. Pray that the doctor I had today will not be the one to deliver Landon. Pray that my baby boy is strong enough to make it in this world when he comes. Pray for peace and comfort for his daddy and I and the family that loves him so very much. I know God is in control and even today did not surprise Him one bit. Pray we cling to the only One who isn't helpless against this.