As we drove into the city early this morning, I thought about the last time we drove those roads in the morning. I held my big tummy and tried to soak in the reality that today was the day that my precious baby boy was going to enter the world. I had plenty of dread in my heart that day. I dreaded the moment I would have to hand Landon over, dreaded the time I would spend away from him, dreaded having to watch him go through pain, but all of that dread was strongly overpowered by the excitement I had to meet my son.
Today was different then that morning. This morning I woke up with 0 excitement and 100% dread in my heart. I just want today to be over. Ryan and I have talked about what this day would be like. We've looked at our little man, watched him smile and play, and we've told each other that this day is going to be so hard. I have dreamed about this day and what it would feel like to hand my baby over to a stranger, I couldn't imagine what that would feel like, but today I know... it feels like heartbreaking numbness. It feels like tears trying to burn their way through your eyes as you watch your baby being carried away and disappearing behind a corner. It feels like complete numbness as you walk to a familiar waiting room without your baby. It feels like fear and world stopping void. Everything is standing still right now.... we're waiting.
Landon wasn't allowed to eat after 2:30AM so we took him out of his pack and play at 1:30 and gave him his last bottle. I just let him sleep the rest of the night next to me. All three of us cuddled. For me and Ryan that moment was different then all the other mornings that we've snuggled up in our pjs together. We held Landon a little tighter and let our kisses fall a little longer. Oh how we love that boy! He laid in our bed while Ryan and I got ready and packed up the basement. I took this pic right before I put his new jacket on him and put him into his carrier. He was so peaceful. The tears came as he woke up and smiled at me... he does this every morning... but this isn't just another morning.
Today is our D Day.
We got to the hospital, registered, went to the all too familiar pediatric surgery waiting room. Surprisingly Landon was super happy. He was smiling and stealing the hearts of all the receptionist we had to talk to. I was so worried that he would be really hungry and screaming for his bottle the whole time. The waiting room receptionist told us that she wore red, just for Landon today :) That really did make me smile. I was soon reminded how amazing the staff is here. We were taken back to a room where they got Landon's vitals and changed him into his hospital jammies. I had forgotten about the continual visits from people. Each of them from someone on our sons team in a way, each of them confirming what was going to happen to Landon today, each of them reminding us that he will be in good hands.... each of them reminding us that it wont be our hands though :(
They told us that because this procedure is more complicated for Landon, (because they will be trying to close the shunt and the other hole he has) they would feel more comfortable if they put a breathing tube in. This worries me a lot. They told us that Landon will have it out by the time we can see him, but for any of you who remember Landon's relationship with the breathing tube last time, you can understand why I am concerned. Landon started getting fussy around 7:30. My little man was realizing that his tummy was empty. Ryan did an awesome job distracting him and we were happy to find out that he could go into the OR early. Of course I didn't want to let him go, but it hurt me knowing he was hungry and seeing him asking me for food, but I couldn't give him any :(
We followed behind two nurses pulling a hospital bed. The nurse stopped and told us that we were at the kissing corner. The grandparents gave their kisses, I squeezed him tight and then I squeezed him tighter, then I kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and squeezed him some more. Ryan leaned down and said, "I love you bubby." more kisses, then we walked him over to the nurse and she awkwardly grabbed him out of my arms. I didn't want to let him go.
The horrid screen! Landon is Ma..IL he went into pre op at 6:29 and the OR at 7:46.
So as of right now, we have talked with Landon's card and his surgeon. I don't feel like writing anymore, I just want to see my baby. I'll update later, but please be patient. We should get to leave with Landon today so that is good news. I just want to see my baby again.
Thank you for the prayers. We were told that it went well. It was not what we were hoping and praying for, but our news could have been much worse.