Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The best is yet to come!

My induction is now scheduled for Tues, April 3rd at 8:00AM. It is so exciting to think that I only have a week, at the very most, before I can meet my baby boy face to face. This time staying at my aunts house has gone by quickly, but I am so ready to start the next stage of our journey. Ryan and I just can't wait to have Landon here which will bring us one step closer to being able to take him home and start our life as a family.

It is such a strange existence, leaving the life you knew and coming somewhere where you have no job or responsibilities. I told my aunt the other day that her cats are going to miss me. I think they think I am one of them because I have the life of a cat. I stay home with them all day, I sleep, I get up and eat, I go for a walk, then I come home and sleep, and do the whole process all over again. I know this time of being able to rest is so needed and someday I will look back and wish I could go back to the life of cat probably, but there are days where I just miss my old life so much. I miss our morning routine of getting ready and leaving for work, I miss working and I miss the kids so much, I miss having to look at a calendar to know where I have to go and what I have to do that day. I miss coming home to Ryan and spending our evenings together. Then I realize when I do finally go home, life will not be the way I left it. I am not just on vacation from my old life, I am completely done with it. Next time I walk through our apartment door I will be a different woman, I will be changed forever, I will be a mother. I don't believe there is any way to prepare for that. It is a scary place to be when everything you can see in the distance is completely unknown and foreign to you, but I trust and believe that the best is yet to come.

Today at my ultra sound Landon's foot no longer looked like a picture of a boney skeleton. It was a little babies foot with five distinct stubby toes. It amazes me how much he can change in one week! It is all becoming surreal. For nine months he has been a part of me, it's all he's ever known. I never realized the symbolism behind the cutting of the umbilical cord until recently. I will no longer be able to sustain him. He is his own individual, with his own life to live. I suppose parents have realizations like this on a daily basis where all you can do is step back and be so thankful that God is in control and even when we have to let go, He doesn't. Even when we have to take our eyes off of them so we can get some sleep, He stays awake. Even when they shut the door on us, He's on the other side. Even when they leave the safety of our nest, He's the wind beneath their wings.

Even when all we know is what the doctors tell us, God sees the depths of Landon's heart. I know that He created Landon and has a huge purpose and plan for his life. We just feel so blessed that we get to play a role in his story. I've carried him for nine months, but God holds his eternity and because I believe that I can face the future and truly say the best is yet to come.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Wow, was this appointment different then my last one. The last one I left feeling like someone just knocked the wind out of me, I was in shock. At this mornings appointment I left with questions answered which has brought so much peace and relief to my heart.

Landon passed the biophysical with flying colors. He's even lower now, the nurse said he's preparing for his great escape :) She told me I wont get his weight again until he is born. I was frustrated by that and explained to her that last time there were concerns about his drastic change in weight gain. She told me that if he wasn't growing anymore they would of delivered him already and that as far as she can tell he is happy and content in the womb. He's doing just what he should do. Yes, he's small, but that's not uncommon for babies with heart defects. I didn't say anything. I am glad that he looks like he's doing good, but, at this point, I still just don't understand why he isn't growing like he was and that is a huge concern of mine. I was saving all my questions for the doctor rather than unloading them on this poor ultra sound girl.

I took some other normal tests and then met with the nurse. She told me that after my appointment last week she called Bismarck to check records because she found it so odd that my baby could drop from the 80th percentile to the 10th in just a couple weeks. What she discovered was that the ultra sounds back in Bismarck were using the wrong due date for Landon. Originally they had my due date as April 23rd, but then changed it to April 10th. The ultra sounds were still documenting his percentile by the April 23rd due date though! WOW, this was such a huge relief for me to hear! "So he always been a small baby?" I asked. She said yes, he's probably always been around the 20th percentile, but that's not unusual for babies with heart defects. The important thing is he is growing. He's always been growing, just at his own pace. I cannot explain how relieved this discovery made me. I was just SOOOOO relieved. Yes, all along I thought he was bigger than he really is, but compared to the fear of having a failing placenta or something else wrong, this is great news!

After seeing the nurse, another doctor came in. she introduced herself and told me that I'd talked to her before on the phone a couple times. She explained to me again the find of the nurse and what that means for Landon. That he is smaller, but he is very healthy, and they see no reason why he wont continue to grow. He is 37 weeks today, so I am now considered full term :) She explained that although he could come at any time now and they are perfectly equipped to handle that, they would love for him to make it to 39 weeks. She set my induction date for Tuesday April 2nd. They will check me at my appointment the Friday before and see how dilated I am to determine if I will need to come in on Monday night or not. We talked a bit more, she confirmed that I've had more contractions, but I'm doing what I should be doing by monitoring them and just waiting for them to become more consistent or more painful. She said everything looks good and again they'd like him to wait for a couple more weeks, but he could come at anytime and their ready for him when he does :)

She left and came back again shortly after with the OB I saw last week. He told me the ultra sound looks good, the fluid isn't leaking or anything, and the placenta and the cord look fine. He asked if I had anymore questions, which I didn't because today they were all answered beforehand. So he was out of there in 30 seconds, but I felt content with everything.

On the drive back home my aunt and I just rejoiced over how well today went and how great it feels to have an explanation to last week. I don't know why God has allowed things to happen the way He has. Maybe it was good that I thought that Landon was so big the whole time, that way I was never worried about him being small. Even now though, I'm choosing to focus on the fact that he is healthy and even though he's small, he's still growing. He could very well reach 6Ib's by his induction date! Last week I was reminded again, that I am not in control. Landon belongs to God and that is who my faith needs to be in. No matter what doctors may tell me and Ryan in the future, God is bigger than any bad news, or any heartless doctor. God is accomplishing something bigger through our tiny little boy than we could ever imagine.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I truly felt them last week, they got me through. Thank you for your continual prayer for our Landon. I feel like today was a victory, rejoice with me for answered prayers and God's continual protection and unconditional love for us.

Thursday, March 15, 2012


This is part of a poem God gave me on another overwhelming Thursday I had a while back.

You do not need words you can hear my heart

and right now it’s breaking, it’s falling apart.

I’d give up everything for him, if I could know he’ll be ok.

But you tell me all You want is for me to make it through this day,

Tomorrow will be brighter, my daughter just wait and see.

I know the waters are deep, just hold on to me.

I know you want an answer, I know you want a healing,

But for now the best thing for you is to follow my daily leading.

Here in this valley, you will learn so very much

I understand the longing to just want to rush

To skip through the pain, the sorrow, the unknown

But it’s in the toughest soil sometimes the greatest seeds are sown.

Rest in my love today and know that he’s safe

He’s loved, He’s so cherished, I hold his tiny face

In my strong hands both day and night.

He is mine, and of him I will never lose sight.

I know your love for him is immense.

I know my will doesn’t seem to make sense.

Someday I will show you the beauty you can’t yet see.

but today, just let the tears fall and keep your trust in Me.

Out of my control

I am exhausted and thought I would be able to nap once I got back to my aunts, but sleep isn't coming so I figure I should write while it's all still fresh. My doctors appointment today did not go as I expected. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got. I was happy to see that I got the same tech as I had last time I was there. She is really nice and talkative. She was surprised at how low Landon is. She couldn't even get a picture of his face because his head is so low now... so first week without any pictures :( But the ultra sound overall went really good. She told me Landon is practicing breathing which is awesome and his heart rate was right on. I was anxiously waiting to find out how much he weighs, when she told me 5Ibs 2oz I was taken aback. I did the math in my head and that only added up to half a pound in two weeks. He should be packing on the weight right now. The tech assured me that it could just be the difference in machines here and in Bismarck and not to worry. She left and me and my aunt talked as we waited for the doctor to arrive.

The doctor came in and right away I just didn't like him. He walked in awkwardly without introducing himself, sat down, told me who he was and then started talking about how my baby isn't growing. He said sometimes this just happens and they don't know why. He said it looks like the placenta is failing and they will want to see me twice a week now. He said they will be watching the placenta, umbilical cord and the fluid around the baby (I don't like how he didn't even take the time to ask me Landon's name like other doctors have done). If Landon is unable to receive the nutrition he needs from the placenta then they will have to induce me before I reach 39 weeks. Then he ended with, "any questions?"

By this time I am in shock, because he just unloaded all of this on me with absolutely no emotion (it felt so heartless). The only question I could think to ask was, "Is there anything I can do to help him start gaining more?" He just looked at me and said, "no, nothing." My aunt thought to ask a couple more questions and then he was out the door. I don't remember him saying good-bye or anything. It was clear he wanted to be somewhere else, but did he really have to drop a bomb on me and leave before I even had time to process what he just said? I felt numb. I followed another nurse to a different room to take my blood pressure and weight and then we met my aunt in the consultant room where she went over with me a bunch of papers and gave me a bunch of  phone numbers I need. Then she sent us out to schedule the next 3 weeks of appointments. I will be having ultrasounds every Tues. and Fri. and also meeting with an OB on Tuesdays.

It was nice to come back to my basement at my aunts house. I need to be by myself right now. I need to process today. I need to let myself cry. I am so scared, today knocked the wind out of me. In Bismarck I was told every week that Landon is a big baby and that he will have such a better chance because of it, and now I am scared to death that he won't grow anymore. 5Ibs is not a horrible weight, baby's are born that weight all the time, but because Landon is going to be facing so many other challenges, weight is such a huge factor for him. I am just so scared. I cannot explain with words what it feels like to have a life inside of you that you are completely helpless to protect. The doctor told me that this change is not because of anything I did, but that doesn't stop me from questioning myself over and over, wondering why. Since finding out about Landon I have been able to find comfort in knowing that he is safe inside of me. I no longer have that assurance and that terrifies me.

I can't really think of anything else to say except to beg you to pray. Please pray that the doctor is wrong. Pray that Landon continues to stay in me and grow. Pray that the doctor I had today will not be the one to deliver Landon. Pray that my baby boy is strong enough to make it in this world when he comes. Pray for peace and comfort for his daddy and I and the family that loves him so very much. I know God is in control and even today did not surprise Him one bit. Pray we cling to the only One who isn't helpless against this.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

For Such A Time As This

It was really hard watching Ryan drive away yesterday. It was hard walking back into the house, knowing that another chapter of this crazy story we are living has ended and a new one has begun. I know this next chapter is going to be a difficult one, and I don’t know how it will end.

It is tough not being with Ryan, but my uncle and aunt have made me feel so welcome and created such a wonderful and relaxing place for me to stay. Honestly I am enjoying this time. It is a time where I can focus on me. I know I will not have time to just focus on myself and do whatever I want to do for a very very long time. I love taking long walks and just thinking, dreaming about the future with Landon. I love talking to him late at night, feeling him inside me. This is such a special mommy/ son time I get with him and I’m cherishing every moment J

I am in the middle of the Beth Moore Bible study on the book of Esther. As God would have it, in His perfect timing, today was about destiny. It really got me thinking. I know that it is my destiny to be right here right now. God has brought me through so many days of immense grief, of uncontrollable anger, and of heartbreaking questioning, but I feel at peace here. God feels so near to me right now, without the normal stresses and demands of a normal day my heart is quiet and able to hear Him speak. Yes, I still have a fear of the future, but my heart is resting in the safety of God’s love. The best comfort is knowing that, Landon’s heart is also resting in this safety. I am so close to being able to see Landon. To see his little feet that I can feel pushing up through my skin sometimes, to see the face that I’ve only seen through an ultra sound machine face to face. To see the color that God Himself chose to paint his eyes. So much joy is yet to come, but with the joy I know there will be tears. I’m also so close to seeing him hooked up to tubes and being kept alive on medicine. So close to having to watch him through the glass of an incubator. So close to having to hand him over to a surgeon, knowing that there’s a chance I will not get him back. So close to being able to touch the scar on my little boys chest, knowing that it will never go away. I cannot dwell on the sadness though, I must choose to focus on the blessing. I cannot help but focus on the blessing when I am laying in bed and feel him inside of me, the love that overflows me is worth every fear, it’s worth every uncertainty, every unknown, and every tear. God is good and He’s chosen me for such a time as this.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Yesterday: Never a Dull Moment

Yesterday I was so excited to have my LAST doctors appointment here in Bismarck. For the past couple months every Thursday I've had to leave work to go to the clinic for my weekly check-up and then go back to work afterwards exhausted and overwhelmed. I was so happy to finally be able cross off that last appointment date on, what once was a long list on our fridge. I told Ryan as we were getting ready for work that I promised to have a good attitude today and that for once I wouldn't text him while in the waiting room, complaining about how much I hate Thursdays and how tired I am. He just laughed and gave me a kiss before heading out the door.

At work I made sure to hug my kids more and kept reminding them that tomorrow would be teachers last day. Before I knew it, it was time to leave for my appointment. One of my favorite little boys followed me to the door and asked in his little voice that melts my heart, "teacher be right back?" I kneeled down and told him I'd be back around lunch time and to be good. As I drove to my appointment I reflected on how many times in the past couple months I'd made this drive and that today was the last time. Thursday would never be the same again. I was filled with joy and gratitude to God for getting me through so many long, hard days. I got to the clinic, signed in, and was sent back to the ultra sound waiting room. The receptionist all know me by now and just ask if there's been any changes since last week. I wanted to tell them that today was my last day, but I knew they probably wouldn't care haha. I was just SO excited!

It wasn't long before I was called back into the ultra sound room. I was glad to see the tech I had was not the woman who finds it necessary to give me a picture proving that Landon is a boy every week. I would much rather get a picture of his face or profile. During the ultra sound me, the tech, and the intern all giggled and sighed as Landon was opening and closing his mouth like he was babbling. He's so cute! The techs don't see many babies as far along as he is. He no longer looks like an alien, but an adorable, cute as a button, baby boy now :)

I left the room with two perfect pictures of his little face profile and went back to the main waiting room, where I stayed for the next hour... I really did have a good attitude for most of it, but then my stomach started to ache because it was lunch time and my eyes started to close because I was tired and I had nothing to occupy myself except the small tv hanging in the corner that I couldn't hear at all. I could tell that something must of been going on because most of the woman around me had been there just as long as me if not longer. I could sense their frustration building as the minutes passed without their name being called. I watched as some of them walked up to the counter to ask what was going on. It was clear the receptionist wasn't able to explain so they just tried to calm them down by assuring them that it shouldn't be much longer.

Just as I began contemplating asking the elderly woman next to me to wake me up if my name was called, things started to move. Women's names started being called one after the other until finally I heard Natalie Maxwell. After a while of even more waiting, (I think they call you back to the doctors rooms just so you feel like your progressing) I heard the familiar knock of my OB. She apologized for the wait and told me some procedure went wrong and it affected everyones schedule. Then her face brightened as she began to talk about Landon. She said that he is just looking perfect. His weight is in the 80th percentile and his breathing is an 8 out of 8. She said she was sad to let me go, but excited that he will be where he needs to be. She made me promise to send pictures. Then she listened to his heartbeat, and told me that she was going to check my cervix just to see how everything looked. With surprise in her voice she exclaimed that I was at a 2. I was really surprised, but told her that a couple nights ago I felt strange and I even researched what contractions feel like, because I just didn't feel right. I told her that I figured they were just braxon hicks and nothing to worry about. She said, no they were definitely the real thing and she told me from now on you feel anything, ANYTHING weird you come into labor and delivery. She asked me again when I was planning on going down to the Cities and I told her Sat. She said she thought it would be best if she checked with U of M to make sure they don't want to see me sooner. She said that contractions before 37 weeks is considered pre term labor and nothing to fool around with, especially in my case. She said, on the bright side it looks like I may have a fast labor when he does decide to come. I told her that I had been worried about that because my mom had very fast labors and in our child birth class they said that you can sometimes predict what your labor will be like by how your mothers was. She agreed that's a valid concern and she told me again that if I feel anything to not hesitate to come in. It's very serious because if I go into labor here in Bismarck, I'm going to need to be airlifted to Minneapolis, and more than that there's an even higher risk if he's pre-term. On that note she hugged me and told me that it's going to be fine and she would talk to me later that day after talking to U of M. I told her thank-you for everything. After that I went to the lab to have blood taken then I called Ryan on my way out. I tried to explain things without freaking him out, but it didn't work. He kept saying we could leave that day and told him we should wait to hear back from MN. I assured him I felt fine and that I'd finish up work and meet him at Sams to get groceries like we had planned. I got back to work, now 3 hours later, well past lunch time, and went to talk to my boss. I told her what my OB said and that I wouldn't be able to work the next day after all. Then I went to my room and was surprised to find my kids still awake. They all were excited to see me and the one boy pointed out that I took a long time. I explained again that I was at the doctor & they were obsessed with the band aid I had on from getting my blood taken, it took a while to settle them down. It was difficult to say good-bye to each of them yesterday. I wasn't emotionally prepared for it to be my last day, but since Landon, God has been teaching me that I need to be ready at anytime for MY plans to change.

After work I got a call from a lady at U of M. She wanted to know about everything, what our plans were for traveling and when we would make it to the Cities, and where I was staying. She asked me how I was feeling then and if I'd had anymore contractions since that night, I told her I hadn't. She said that she thinks it will be fine if we keep our original travel plans and get to the Cities on Saturday. She said that if I don't feel right in any way to come in ASAP on Saturday, but if I'm fine to just go to my aunts house and continue to take it easy. She said I can drive but I need to stop at least every hour, get out and walk and drink lots and lots of water. She said she will give me a call on Monday to reschedule my appointment because they want to check on me before my original appointment on Thursday. She gave me numbers to call if anything comes up and she made sure I know where to go if I do go into labor and then she said she would talk to me soon.

So that was my exciting day in a long nutshell. Last night me and Ryan enjoyed a nice supper, our last date night in Bismarck without Landon, then we came home and relaxed. Neither of us could sleep well, Ryan said he was to excited about having a baby but he keeps telling Landon he needs to wait a little longer. I woke up last night screaming from a leg cramp and Ryan practically jumped out of bed hahaha He's paranoid now that I'm going to go into labor at any second. Truthfully we both never really considered Landon coming early because the doctors have all been telling us he will go full term, so I've just been telling people that I'm going to be induced the first week of April. After yesterday though I realized that really anything can happen so the main thing right now is just to get Landon to where he needs to be.

Thank you to all of you who are following Landon's story and praying for him. Your excitement, anticipation, and prayer support are priceless to us.

Landon's momma