Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The waiting

I'm tempted to just leave this blog completely blank because that is how I feel right now. With every time we enter this waiting room, we feel a little more prepared, but with each visit it only seems to get harder. I always wonder how I will feel in this moment, but now the wondering has turned into the present moment and I'm only left wondering why I ever wonder in the first place because it's always the same feeling... complete and total numbness.

Life seems to stand still in this waiting room.

There is no laughter, you rarely ever hear people talking. This room is respected. This room has been the bearer of good news, but it has also been the place where parents hearts have stopped beating. Most people who are beckoned to spend long L...o...n...g hours in this room stare aimlessly at the many tvs or sit on their laptops or ipads.

Ryan is playing mindless games on his phone and I usually try to waste time on facebook. Whatever we can do to keep our minds numb. I think the numbness is a gift from God. It would be too hard to feel at a time like this. 

Right now hearing laughter makes we want to throw up.... just being honest.

Ryan and I ventured out to the coffee shop a while ago. When we got there the young girls who were working were all singing with the song on the radio. Usually this would of made me smile or even giggle, but not today. Today it just seemed like a cruel joke. The sun shining through the windows just feels wrong because it is such a polar opposite from the dark gloom that hovers over my heart.

Unless you have gone through something like this it is impossible for you to understand these kind of feelings. I no longer judge people who come across as crabby because I've learned that you just don't know what people are going through. Who knows, maybe that person you just judged had to say a hard good-bye recently.

Good bye was excruciating today.

Up until a couple weeks ago, Landon has been great with any one he meets. I don't know what switched in his mind, but he definitely has stranger anxiety going on now. So I knew this good bye would most likely be different then the last couple we've had at the "kissing corner", but I wasn't prepared for how Landon reacted. He clung to me, buried his head in my chest and cried. The nurse was waiting for us to put him in the bed so they could wheel him back into the OR, but I just couldn't let my baby go while he was so upset.

 I knew that I couldn't take him and run, so eventually, with shaking hands I peeled Landon off of me and laid my screaming baby down in the bed. His choking sobs are still echoing in my head. Ryan and I watched as the doors opened and the nurse pulled Landon's bed through them. After the doors closed and we could no longer see the bed that held our baby boy, Ryan and I clung to each other, turned around, and began our walk down the hall that leads to this room... this dreaded room. As we were walking we heard the most blood curdeling scream I've ever heard, and I knew in a nano second that it was coming from my baby. At that moment I broke. I couldn't keep walking, it took all of my strength just to remain on my feet. Ryan pulled me in and we both cried. Well Ryan cried and I sobbed.

I know that this day is a victorious day in the eyes of God. Although I believe with all my heart that God is crying right along with us, because He doesn't disconnect Himself from our pain (Jesus proved that), I also believe that God is pleased because God is accomplishing a miracle in Landon's little heart. The doctors are so hopeful that this will be Landon's last surgery. There are no words to explain the relief and joy my heart feels when I think of that.

Sadly knowing the outcome of this day, doesn't immune us from the fear and sorrow that it carries. The only thing that we can do is wait. We wait for the phone to ring to hear any updates on what is happening in our babies OR room. We will wait the 4 to 5 hours until we can see our baby again and then we will wait with our eyes glued to monitor screens to see how Landon's body reacts to the changes that are taking place in his heart, then we will wait and wait and wait for our little man to slowly wake up. Then we will wait and wait and wait for his little body to heal.

Wait.... wait.... wait... apart from praying with our every breath, that is just all we can do right now.

Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for each of the words of encouragement. On days like today, that is what gets us through the long minutes.

Here's some pictures from our morning...

Fell asleep on the drive to the hospital. We got here around 5:45
I know he's a boy, but if there ever was a sleeping beauty... am I right? :)

Playing with the train set in the OR waiting room, waiting to go back to the pre-op room.

Back in the pre-op room, changed into his hospital jammies now.

Getting our snuggles in

Papa my tummy is grumbling. Where's my nanner oatmeal

The dreaded walk.. :(

The worst good-bye 

I don't know how often I will be able to blog, but like I said, I'll be on fb most of the time. Again, all comments and prayers left on my wall are read and so appreciated by our family. We took one of the biggest sections in this large room and it's amazing for me to think about the many MANY people who are with our family, not physically, but spiritually. People of all different colors and nationalities. I see people kneeling praying in languages that I don't know, sending up prayers to our Father on behalf on our little boy.

Truly words can't express our thanks. We were informed that although this will most likely be Landon's last surgery, it is still a very high risk surgery. Your prayers are our protection against all of the scary words the doctors throw at us.


All in a Day said...

(((Maxwell family)))
I know how hard those good bye's at the corners are...
(((lots of hugs)))

Bruce and Linda Mitton said... have described so many of the feelings from the OR waiting room so well! While I do think it was the hardest for me to let Victoria to go the first time...because everything was so uncertain...and the doctors were not giving us very encouraging words, still it has never gotten completely uncertain or easy. We so truly do not know what is going on in the faces that we pass each day! Praying God will bless you with peace and strength for all of the waiting...Linda

Bruce and Linda Mitton said...

oops...what I meant was...there is always some uncertainty...but we belong to the God who is there with us and who cares...LM

Jeremiah and Stephanie said...

I am praying for this part of your journey! We don't know each other but I've been following your blog since you visited our mom's group at Constance while you were still pregnant. I remember being struck then by the way in which you told your story with so much hope and faith and that continues to come through in all of your posts. I'll be continuing to pray for your sweet baby boy.

Anonymous said...

Prayers have been coming your way all day and will continue! So thankful to hear a good initial report.