Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Expecting Holland

This is something I found on another heart moms blog.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND by Emily Perl Kingsley. c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I can relate so well with this and it hits to the core of my heart. For as long as I can remember I have dreamed of being a mother. I remember as a child I would never play "mommy" with my dolls, they were always my baby brothers or sisters. I think even way back then I knew that nothing could ever compare to the real thing and that was all I ever wanted... the real thing. As I grew up and started babysitting other peoples kids I would always feel sad when they had to leave me. Children have always brought me so much joy and I truly feel my heart is most alive when I am around them. I always dreamed and imagined the day when I would carry my own child in my body and hold that child in my arms. When you get married this dream takes on new meaning and purpose because it is now a dream you can share with the one you love the most. 

Although having a child was what I always longed for the day me and Ryan found out we were expecting was not the happiest day I can remember, in fact I was terrified. I remember crying and telling him over and over again that this was going to change everything (I had no idea). We were not planning on taking our trip to Italy until we could afford it and were more situated with our new life together. It took a while, but I soon began to dream and long for Italy. Joy filled me because it was now close enough for me to grasp. We loved sharing with everyone our exciting news about our upcoming trip and everyone was SO excited for us :)

Then the day came... the day we were told we could not go to Italy, but instead were headed for Holland. My heart broke that day, my dreams shattered. I had never even heard of Holland! Who goes to Holland? I've read the books I know the chances of someone not going to Italy are so great. This had to be a mistake, why Holland, why us? What did I do wrong? Why don't we deserve to go to Italy like everyone else? Why would God place Italy on my heart and then not allow me to be able to go there?

What I didn't have the strength to understand that day was that I was never meant to go to Italy (at least not yet) I was always supposed to go to Holland and although I don't know how, God has always been preparing me for Holland. Holland is where me and Ryan are supposed to be. It is still terribly hard when I see other pregnant woman and know that they are going to Italy. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not jealous of them, but would I trade in my ticket... no. I know that life in Holland is hard and scary, but the more I learn about it the more I am realizing that Holland holds blessings that no other place on Earth does. 

Landon's Momma


Paswa said...

Wow! That is exactly what I said after reading this blog. I can't find the words to explain how my heart breaks for you and at the same time, you make me so proud of you as my daughter-in-law. Holland is where you and Ryan are headed and I'm excited that we get to join you there because it is exactly where God has for all of us. Thank you for being right where God has you and for accepting His will as the best for your life. Just know that I love you both and am very proud of you too.

Landonsmomma said...

Thanks Wayne :) It means so much having our families love and support through this. You're going to be such a great grandpa! Love you