I never wanted to be one of those bloggers that writes something everyday. This blog was supposed to just be a way to keep everyone updated on Landon, but it has turned into so much more for me. It's really become my outlet. Many of my posts have been written with tears streaming down my cheeks. Writing has always been my way of processing what I am feeling. How my writing has turned into an online journal open for anyone to read, I have no idea. If my babbling, pondering, fears, and joys can be used by God in someone else's life, then who I am to deny Gods leading just because it makes me feel vulnerable. Today is one of those days. I woke up with no intention of writing today, except maybe working a little on the book, but God had other plans, obviously. It's not yet 9AM and I have already fallen apart once.
Last night I stumbled upon another blog of a heart mom. I didn't read very much of it before I realized that her precious first born son is no longer on this Earth. Her perfect child only blessed this world for 3 days. She is an amazing writer. Her faith and her honesty just broke my heart. I truly can't imagine what her and her husband have gone through and the grief they continue to face on a daily basis.
I laid in bed last night and couldn't get her off my mind. I told Ryan that it's easy to forget how scary it is, but then you read something, talk to other heart parents, or an alarm goes off at 11PM and in an instant your sucked back into this world. This world where everything is uncertain, tomorrow isn't promised, and a broken heart is just a way of life.
I haven't written about it on here because I didn't want to freak more people out then I already had from Facebook. Last Saturday we went through Landon's bed time routine as we always do and placed him in his crib, prayed for him, turned on his alarm, and kissed him good night. Ryan and I were in the living room watching a movie, when we heard his alarm. It's a familiar sound because when we first brought Landon home, we would always forget to turn it off when we took him out of his crib. If it doesn't sense movement for 20 seconds it goes off. The sensitivity is so great that it picks up on his breathing. We were recommended to get it, by another heart mom friend, when we were in the hospital and Landon just wasn't doing well breathing on his own without oxygen. The next day we went and bought one and it has given us so much peace of mind, knowing that if he were to stop breathing, we would know. Until last week, it had never gone off while Landon was in the crib so when I heard it, it took a couple nano seconds for me to realize that it was going off and he was actually in there, meaning he wasn't breathing. "Ryan what do we do?" Ryan was already up and on his way to the nursery. I was right behind him. When I reached Landon's doorway, Ryan said, he's breathing, he's ok. I was so relieved but I was still in panic mode. Ryan told me that it's ok, he went over the CPR sheet we have hanging on Landon's door with me. Ryan is very calm when it comes to things like this, but I could tell he was scared as well. In an instant I was sucked back into the realization that life is fragile.
We hardly slept that night, Ryan put on the Sound of Music to get my mind off of the fear. The alarm didn't go off again and it hasn't since. It could have been a false alarm, but I don't think it was. Our alarm has been awesome and never malfunctioned and it never did again so I think that Landon just got lazy for a while and forgot to breath. I think the alarm going off startled him enough to get him to start breathing again. Either way, we are so glad we have the alarm.
Since that night, I have been so paranoid. I check on him multiple times a night and if I fall asleep with him, I wake up in a panic that he may not be breathing. I try not to think about it, but some days the thought crosses my mind of what our life would be like without him? I truly can't imagine. The mere thought is enough to cripple me. This morning I peaked over at him as I was getting his meds. He was sitting contently in his bouncer. I just imagined our home without his bouncer, without his blankies, binkies and burp clothes scattered all over. There would be such a void, I don't know how I could go on. I know with God, we would, but I don't know how.
So reading this other moms blog, it was like reading our worst nightmare. She was still so heavy on my heart this morning. I began to pray for her. I told God that I can't imagine what they are going through. I told him that they didn't deserve to lose their son just like we didn't deserve to keep ours. Why God? Why do you give to some families and take away from others. I just broke, I'm still breaking. I wrapped Landon up in his monkey blankie. It has this little hood with a monkey face and ears, it always puts him to sleep when I snuggle him in it. I just rocked him in my arms and my tears would fall down onto his tiny face, looking up at me. I know that I'm not going to get an answer to my why questions like this until I reach Heaven. I still believe that God wants us to ask these questions though. He wants us to wrestle with the pain, with the fear. This life is so full of joy and so full of sorrow. Landon has taught me that. It is SO hard, but I have to thank God for alarms and devastating testimonies because they remind my soul what matters. Today will not be a normal day in our home. I will hold Landon tighter, be on Facebook less, and I will spend more time in continual prayer to my savior, thanking him for the blessings that last longer than our last breath. I can only see this tiny speck, but God sees our lives in the whole scope of eternity. That heart mom, has hope. She will see her son again. She will go through the sorrow that comes from the deep void that his absence has left in their family, but they will spend the rest of eternity together.
Please join with me today in holding your family closer, drawing closer to the Father, and reaching out and praying for the hurting.