I wrote this in my journal this morning and thought that I would share it in celebration of this significant day.
It is August 15th, 2011. I know right now you are in shock. You have just taken the test and seen the two pink lines. You weren't expecting or planning for this. You never imagined you would be crying sad tears on the day you get the news that your going to be a mommy. You have so many mixed emotions right now. You want to be happy, but you can't see how this is going to work out. You are heartbroken, by the thought, that your baby knows you do not want him. By the way, it is a him. I know for the next couple months you will think and desire it to be a girl, but don't worry. God will prepare you and by the time you find out it is a boy, you will be overjoyed. Anyways back to what I was saying, he is not sad that right now you do not want him. He knows that you are having a hard day. Tomorrow you will make it up to him. You will tell him that he is your dream come true. You will sing to him and begin to dream of him (although you will still be picturing him as a girl). You will apologize for your present sadness. He will forgive you and forget about these brief moments that you have failed to love him. Starting tomorrow you will let him into your heart. You will hold nothing back from him. He will make your love grow bigger each day and as he does, you will pour it back out on him.
I know today you are scared. I know you think he will change everything and ruin your perfect, planned out world. I can tell you today that... he will. He will change absolutely everything you think you know about life and love. You will never again live in this perfect, planned out world that you have grown so comfortable in. He will change you Natalie. He will rip apart that heart you will give him, but eventually, God will give him a new heart to give to you. This heart has eyes that are willing to see. This heart, unlike the one you have beating in your chest right now, will be willing to care. It will not be burdened by your goals or your mile long to-do list. You will grow to appreciate this new heart. It will not be easy to get though. You can only receive this heart by walking a path called suffering. I know right now you think you know about this path, but I can tell you, you have no stinking clue my friend. You are not able to see this path unless you look through the eyes of your heart. If you make the mistake, like so many do, and try to see it through the eyes of your mind, you will only be disappointed. To the mind this is a horrible path and you will come to the conclusion that those who are walking it should be pitied or, worse yet, that God is punishing them. You will find that this idea could not be further from the truth. This path is located on a very long hill. It does not have beautiful scenery surrounding it. Climbing it is hard, cold, and painful. But it is so beautiful Natalie. I wish I could tell you, but I know you're not ready to understand. Just know that you have a long climb ahead of you. It will be terrifying, but it will be oh so beautiful, cherish every step.
With love & understanding,
Your future self