Friday, August 31, 2012

Pointless ramblings of a stay-at-home student

I should be studying and yet here I am.

Oh blog how I have missed you. It is not the same between us anymore. I can no longer visit you without guilt relentlessly trying to pull me back to the tab that holds my homework and the deadlines that are closing in on me. I knew it would be this way, but I did not know that by the time I had to return to school, you blog, and the journey that you hold, would have completely ruined the love I once had for marking up textbooks and writing lengthy discussion boards that would make my classmates marvel at the "research" I put into them. There's a word I've come to despise. RESEARCH! Oh how you want so much of my time. Do you not understand that I have other researching to do?? Like the way Landon has started to claw into the back of my arm when I'm holding him. It is so painfully adorable that I just have to scream, usually I do too. Or how he gets his mouth going and words (we'll call them that) will start flowing out. The look on his face is priceless. He is so surprised that he is doing this, but he doesn't seem to know how to stop so he just keeps going and he gets faster and faster until it all crescendo's in the highest pitched squeal you have ever heard. I LOVE IT!! Or how he has figured out that I will always be there to help him so why do it himself. He lays on the floor, but the only way he likes to roll to his side is if he can hold tight to my finger and I pull him over. I know I should probably be making him do most of the work on his own, but who could resist him when he sticks his little hand out and tells me with his eyes, "Mama, I need you." AHHHH melt my heart!!!! So sorry research, you were fun for a while, but there is just no way you can compete with that.

Not to mention how when I lay him down to play while I try to get something done, whenever I look up from my book or laptop I have two blue eyes staring a hole into me, begging me to come lay beside him. It's truly on the verge of being creepy how he watches me nonstop... creepy in a good way though :)

Resist those eyes? Not possible!

In all seriousness, I had no idea it would feel like this. This constant pull. This feeling of guilt that I get when I am doing school rather then laying on the floor soaking in every moment with Landon while he is still in all of his 4 monthness. This stage is coming to a fast approaching end and then I will have a whole new stage of 5 monthness to sink my fingers into all the while wondering if I cherished every moment of him in his last 3 month outfits or when he was content to just lay in my arms without wanting to try out his newly discovered feet. I am finding like every mother does, that it goes WAY to stinkin fast. I want a pause button, but I know I would never use it. As much as I may say I wish I could stop time, I just wouldn't be able to do it, because the excitement that comes with watching him discover, learn, and grow is irreplaceable. I would not change anything...except this fear that I have of missing something because my head is stuck in a textbook, or hearing the laughter comeing from the living room when I'm stuck in the bedroom working on an assignment. You may be screaming, "Get over yourself! At least you get to stay home!" I'm not offended, I've screamed it at myself a million times in my head. I'm hoping though that what I'm sharing strikes a cord with countless other mama's out there. This is just my situation, you may be working when your heart longs to be home with your kiddos, or you may be spending the majority of your time in the confinement of a real classroom, or maybe your job requires you to travel, whatever it is, it's hard. It is massively hard to bring these tiny creatures into this world, only to have the doctor hand your husband scissors, silently say "life must go on" and then the cord is cut. You can no longer, ever again, spend ever waking moment with this child. I think that is partly why this seems to be so much harder on mothers. They were as much a part of us as our very heart for 9 months, now we're expected to leave them at daycare or with a babysitter, or in my case, to occupy themselves for an hour by staring at a singing light while you study algebra. COME ON!! I just want to hold him 24/7 again, to get lost in his baby smell that can only be described as a mixture of pure heaven...with a hint of dry crusty spit up that's been hiding in the roles of his neck for days. But when I am with him, I feel like I'm not fully present because I'm thinking about the long list of unchecked assignments that need to be done in a couple days. It's enough to drive a girl crazy!

Starring down my pile of textbooks... grimace.

what I want to be doing...

What I end up doing... notice baby pushing away book.

I wish I could end this post with a solution to the constant pulling between reality and the little miracle that wants and deserves all of my attention, but I don't have it. All I can do is pray that I will pass the classes I'm taking this year. Pray that I can stay awake to work on school after I put my miracle to bed at night. All I can do is pray that when the future becomes today I will have no regrets. If it means sacrificing the best grade for some time of laying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling fan with my boy then so be it.

1 comment:

The K. Family said...

Oh, Natalie! What a fun way to wake up this morning! You make me smile with your fun way of writing and I do understand exactly what you're talking about. Somehow, if God has called you to get your school done, he'll have you get it done and Landon will not suffer. He is definately looking at you with a look of love for he loves his wonderful mommy!