Better than a hallelujah kind of day

Sometimes I skip over the box where it wants me to put the title of my post and I just go straight to writing. Sometimes I have no idea what the post is going to be about, I just start typing and wait for it to unfold.

This is one of those days.

You have no idea how much I should be working on school right now. With only two weeks left in this semester, I have three research papers I need to write that I haven't even started. So I poured my hot chocolate packet into my mug, put it under my kurig and pressed the button... it's so nice to be home... I had every intention of bringing my coffee to the living room, opening my laptop, and begining on one of my papers...

but I can't...

I just can't. Today has been one of those days where I wake up feeling numb. Some days I can shake the numbness simply by taking a shower, making coffee, or turning on the radio and filling our apartment with praise...

But none of those things are working today.

My heart is so heavy. Tears have permanently made their residence on the cliff of my lower eye lid today.

I don't know what this post is going to be about yet, but I can warn you that it is going to be raw. I hate being this vulnerable, but there are days when the pain is just too real to fake it. This post is going to come less from my soul which is rooted in my faith and trust in God and more from my breaking heart.

Ryan and I were talking last night about the craziness of it all. This life has become normal for us. We live in this world now and we've surrounded ourselves with others who also live in this world, sometimes it just seems...normal.

But then there's days like today where it all hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm left disoriented, confused, and angry.

People's grandfathers have heart disease. People's grandfathers have open heart surgery... and... my baby? It just hurts so bad to think about it today. I realized last night that Landon will have had 3 open heart surgeries before his first birthday. How can that be right? It's just too much for me to comprehend today. I realize that I hardly had time to grieve the news about another surgery before we were forced to face the battle right in front of us. My mind must of made the executive decision that I couldn't possibly think about another surgery until Landon's blood clot was resolved.

But now we're home... and it's all hitting me at once.

Then I look at him... he's smiling up at me as I'm crying loud heavy sobs. His smile just makes the sobs come stronger. How can he still smile? How can he still love and trust us after everything he's gone through? Why am I the one in pain over this when he's the one who truly has to suffer through it? 

I am blown away by my child's resilience. One moment he is screaming in pain and I'm convinced he's going to be traumatized for the rest of his life and then the next he's flashing his huge smile, melting all the nurses hearts and acting like everything is just fine.

I hear God speaking to my heart. I hear him telling me that Landon can still smile because he knows he is safe in the love Ryan and I have for him. He can still love because he unconditionally trusts us.

That is how I want you to live Natalie. It is okay to cry. It is okay to for your heart to break. It is okay to not understand and at times question me and be upset by my will, but always come back to my love for you, always come back to my goodness, no matter what you may feel, always find your way back to trust and hope in me.

So many of you have told me that my faith inspires you. So many of you have told me that I'm strong, but I want you to know that I'm not above being angry at God. I do not accept His will with open arms. Most of the time I fight it, I yell at him and then when all my energy has been spent I collapse into the fetal position and through whatever tears I have left simply ask Him "why".

But eventually I do find my way back trust and hope in Him. I remember His faithfulness and His goodness and I know that no matter what He puts in front of us, He will see us through. I remind myself that this was never God's plan. God doesn't correct me when I tell Him that this is just plain wrong, I believe He agrees with me. I believe He allows me to be angry and grieve in whatever way I need to because He is grieving too. God never wanted his children to have to face this kind of pain. He never wanted mama's to have to bury their babies. I remind myself that God isn't the enemy. Because of the fall of mankind, we are forced to live in this broken world. God hates this, but in His grace, He always has a way to turn the brokeness into something beautiful.

I know I have the choice to become bitter and angry at God, or I can curl up in His lap, grieve with Him, and eventually get up and say, "how do You want to use this to bring You glory Lord?"

I know that day will soon come, but today it's okay that I'm broken. I love that I serve a God who allows me to be.

Earlier this morning I was putting Landon down for his nap and he was really upset. When he gets overly tired nothing seems to make him stop crying except singing. So I started singing his song. I don't know if it can really be called a song because it's only one word, but it's his favorite. All I sing is hallelujah over and over and over again until his crying stops, his eyes close and eventually I'm able to lay him in his crib. Today I started singing it and like always, he immediately calmed down.

Hall e lujahhhh hall e lu jahhhh hall e lu........ I could hardly get the words out. I just couldn't sing it. All I seem to be able to do today is cry. Eventually Landon fell asleep and I went and made my coffee and began writing this post. While I was writing, this song came across the radio.

I hope you really listen to that song. The words are so true and I think sometimes the church gets caught up in acting strong. We forget that God would rather see us be real. We forget that God would rather hold us while we're broken and curled up in the fetal position than have us force out empty words of praise that our hearts aren't ready to sing yet.

So today I'm allowing myself to be a mess.

today I'm not going to force a hallelujah.

and ya know what... I believe that's okay.