Wednesday, January 4, 2012


It's only 1:46 in the morning and here I sit with a cup of chai and my laptop in front of me, hoping that if I get this written down maybe the emotions and fear I have right now will soften. I can't remember the last nightmare I had before tonight, but I can tell you that I will never forget this one. The pictures are still so vivid in my mind and the emotions so real. One second I remember I was having some stupid dream that made absolutely no sense and then the next I was in an operating room. It was clear to me in the dream that I had just had Landon and I could see him over on the operating table. He was so small, but so beautiful. I remember being worried that I couldn't see him breathing, but I told myself that, that is probably normal, that he's probably fine. I just watched him with all of the doctors around him. I'm not really sure now what they were doing, but in the dream I thought they were fixing him. Then my whole demenor changed as one of the doctors said, "this is what I feared with him." Then everything went chaotic and then I just knew, I knew he was gone. I became hysterical in the dream and just began screaming at God for taking my baby.

The next thing I knew Ryan was shaking me and asking me what was wrong. I just lost it, I couldn't stop sobbing. I realized soon after I awoke that Landon is still fine. He is still safe inside of me, but I couldn't shake the terror of how real the dream was for me. All I could get out in between sobs was "He died Ryan." Ryan held me and told me that no he's fine and it was only a dream, but this didn't comfort me. I remember thinking why did we ever give God permission to do whatever he wants with Landon. I actually had the thought, maybe its not too late maybe I can take it back. I know that it doesn't work like that and I was so surprised at how I was reacting.

We've been telling ourselves and others that Landon belongs to God and we trust Him, but tonight God faced me with my deepest fear, the fear I haven't been allowing myself to recognize. I truly believe that Landon is going to be ok, but tonight a whole door of "what ifs" flooded my soul. Could I really go on if God takes Landon to be with Him? Could my faith survive that? I just read in Psalm 118:8 yesterday that "it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people." Everyone keeps telling me how fantastic doctors are and how much they can do now days, but the truth is that isn't much of a comfort to me. Landon will have great doctors, the best that he could have, but above all he is in Gods hands. We have told God that Landon is His and given him permission to do whatever He chooses with the life of our baby boy. I never realized until tonight how terrifying that is to me. In the dream I did not get angry at the doctors I got angry at God.

I can't tell you right now if I could survive my nightmare if it comes true, but I pray that even in the darkest night, even through the "what ifs" I bring my anger, my fear, and my questions to God. So as I sit in our decorated nursery, with tears still falling down my face, listening to the song playing on my iTunes, i'm choosing to run to God.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Forever Reign -Hillsong

1 comment:

emmy said...

When I had cancer I kept having dreams of being separated from my daughter and not being able to reach her. It was terrifying. I finally talked to the social worker about it. She told me that when we are faced with terrifying situations our subconscious minds sometimes do a role play to take the anxiety out of the situation and that it is totally normal. Don't take it as a lack of faith or some kind of prediction. You mind is trying to help you cope in every way possible.