It was really hard watching Ryan drive away yesterday. It was hard walking back into the house, knowing that another chapter of this crazy story we are living has ended and a new one has begun. I know this next chapter is going to be a difficult one, and I don’t know how it will end.
It is tough not being with Ryan, but my uncle and aunt have made me feel so welcome and created such a wonderful and relaxing place for me to stay. Honestly I am enjoying this time. It is a time where I can focus on me. I know I will not have time to just focus on myself and do whatever I want to do for a very very long time. I love taking long walks and just thinking, dreaming about the future with Landon. I love talking to him late at night, feeling him inside me. This is such a special mommy/ son time I get with him and I’m cherishing every moment J
I am in the middle of the Beth Moore Bible study on the book of Esther. As God would have it, in His perfect timing, today was about destiny. It really got me thinking. I know that it is my destiny to be right here right now. God has brought me through so many days of immense grief, of uncontrollable anger, and of heartbreaking questioning, but I feel at peace here. God feels so near to me right now, without the normal stresses and demands of a normal day my heart is quiet and able to hear Him speak. Yes, I still have a fear of the future, but my heart is resting in the safety of God’s love. The best comfort is knowing that, Landon’s heart is also resting in this safety. I am so close to being able to see Landon. To see his little feet that I can feel pushing up through my skin sometimes, to see the face that I’ve only seen through an ultra sound machine face to face. To see the color that God Himself chose to paint his eyes. So much joy is yet to come, but with the joy I know there will be tears. I’m also so close to seeing him hooked up to tubes and being kept alive on medicine. So close to having to watch him through the glass of an incubator. So close to having to hand him over to a surgeon, knowing that there’s a chance I will not get him back. So close to being able to touch the scar on my little boys chest, knowing that it will never go away. I cannot dwell on the sadness though, I must choose to focus on the blessing. I cannot help but focus on the blessing when I am laying in bed and feel him inside of me, the love that overflows me is worth every fear, it’s worth every uncertainty, every unknown, and every tear. God is good and He’s chosen me for such a time as this.