Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Wide open

I have been trying for the past hour to focus on school, but it just isn’t happening. I know myself well enough to know that when I feel like this, there is no point in doing anything except writing and crying. The only remedy to this is letting it play out. It does nothing to try to ignore the feelings or run from them. The only thing that helps is sitting in the sweet presence of Jesus and soaking in the feelings, the longings, the pain, the fear, whatever it may be. So here I soak. Tapping my hand against the feelings and making tiny ripples with my finger, trying to figure this thing called life out.

Sometimes I wish I could go back… ok no I don’t, but I do remember what it was like to not constantly be thinking of the pain of this world. Since God gave me Landon, my eyes have been opened and I can’t ignore the relentless world outside my door any longer. I knew of pain before, but it didn’t feel like this. It reached my mind, but not my heart. It reaches my heart now and let me tell you… OWWWWWWW!!!! It kills!! I understand why people choose to stay blind to it. I understand why the only passion, trauma, and adventure some people ever allow into their lives is what is fed to them through the baby spoon of the television screen. I get that. It’s easy, it doesn’t require your heart. Frankly, it doesn’t require anything of you.

I just can’t live like that anymore.

My friend Keri wrote a blog yesterday that totally relates with what I’m feeling. I encourage you to read it here. In it she shared the Scripture Proverbs 24:12 Where it says, “Once our eyes are opened we can’t pretend we don’t know what to do. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act.“ I thank God everyday for Landon. For this tiny child, whose broken heart, taught my heart to see. He taught me what matters in life and that life is way to short to spend it focused on yourself.

I feel like a crazy person now. Instead of living like the rest of the world, hung up on what is happening on Dancing With the Stars, I’m sitting in bed tonight thinking about the mother who just found out her unborn child has a heart defect. I balled with Ryan last night for baby Hope and her family, whom I’ve never met. I’m wondering where the homeless men are sleeping tonight that my friends and I had a picnic with last night. My heart breaks for the orphans around the world and that Ryan and I aren’t in the position to bring them all into our home. For the young girl who is contemplating abortion because it seems like the “easy” route. I cry thinking about the children with disabilities who get made fun of by other children. I wonder how different the playground would be if children were taught that the word "normal" isn't in God's dictionary and different isn't wrong, it's beautiful. I pray that Landon is a child that defends them, but I know that he will need to learn through mistakes just like his mama. I think of all of the people I have judged in my life because I wanted to be god and decide who deserves love and acceptance.

Is this what transformation feels like God? It feels like your ripping my heart into pieces and then sewing it back together with the thread of passion, which by the way, passion hurts too!! Passion hurts because it is so misunderstood. People are scared of passion. Passion demands everything of you. People will read passionate people’s books, but few want to be their friends. 

I’m through with caring though. I’m through trying to arrange my life to fit this worlds standards.

There, I’ve gotten some of these feelings out.

Somehow I found a way to mold them into a few words, but these words hardly reflect everything my heart is digesting. The language of the heart isn’t spoken through words, but actions. Now comes the hardest part… living it.

Will you dare to join me?

I dare you to look someone in the eyes today whom you normally brush off. Think about the person's soul before you choose to gossip behind her back. Show an ounce of love to someone the world would throw into the category of "ugly" or "messed up". The possibilities are endless because the pain is everywhere.

What if we choose to stop talking like we love the world our Savior died for and instead go out there and show them His love?

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