That was my response to my boss asking me how I was doing at work yesterday. Every hour seemed to creep by, even with how much I love each of the kids in my class, it was so difficult to be there when every thought I have is on my Landon right now.
This wound is still so fresh, I am learning how to live with it. It is hard when people tell me not to worry, that doctors can do so much now days that Landon will be fine. They may be right and I know they are only trying to encourage me... but there are just some things that words can't make right, hugs are so much better. Please just let me cry instead of dismissing my sons story and telling me about your relative who went through something even worse. I can not let the few disheartening things others have said to me hurt me when there has been thousands more encouraging, loving, and supportive things spoken and prayed over our family. Just yesterday I was reading my Bible during the kids nap time and feeling so alone when my childhood friend who now lives in Bismarck came into my room. She hugged me, there is just something about hugs, I can hold myself together most of the time around people, but hugs break me every time. Her visit was like God Himself bringing me hot chocolate just to let me know that He is with me.
I started feeling very sick towards the end of my day. I was losing my voice and my cough was becoming uncontrollable. They let me leave an hour early. I was surprised to find our door unlocked when I got home. Ryan wasn't able to make it through a full day of work either. He made me go to bed, but I couldn't sleep so I did more research and read more stories and comments people have left me. I was so excited to see a message on my Facebook from a woman I don't know, but she told me her son has the exact same condition as Landon. She told me that U of M is the best and their doctors will put me at ease. She told me that nothing anyone could say will prepare me and Ryan for what we will face ahead, but that she was here to answer any questions I may have. I thank God for brining a mother into my life who has gone down this road. I will continue to stay in contact with her.
We went to bed early, but I woke up in the middle of the night feeling horrible. I could hardly get words out, my throat felt like it was swelling shut. I could tell Ryan was getting more and more worried about me. It was a long night as we both waited for 9 o clock to arrive so I could go to the clinic. I was able to get a little sleep, but we left for the clinic this morning. The doctor listened to our story, looked me over and told me that he wishes there was more he could do for me. But, my sinuses are just all out of whack from lack of sleep and stress. He was very nice and wanted to know about Landon. He told me that U of M will give him the best care that he could get anywhere. He told me that it will be a hard road and we have many more sleepless nights ahead of us, but it's a road that can be traveled. Talking to him was very encouraging to both of us. We left and Ryan drove to Target to get a humidifier and some allergy medicine that the doctor approved. Then he drove me home, gave me a pill and shut me up our bedroom with this humidifier. I actually slept for a couple hours. I know how needed that was. I've gotten probably 12 hours of sleep the last 3 nights. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't know how I'm taking care of Landon when I'm not able to take care of myself. this thought scares me, but with every kick I'm reminded that He's safe in the arms of the Father.
We are still waiting on a call from U of M which is extremely frustrating. I just want to know what is next. I want to know when my next appointment is so I can look forward to something... to seeing my Landon again... to finding out anything we can about him... to learning whatever we have to so that we can prepare to take care of him. One of the hardest things is just this feeling of helplessness. It's why I can't sleep or do anything where I feel like I'm not doing anything. Ryan reminds me constantly that I need to just relax and trust God. He tells me that's the most important thing I can do for Landon right now. I know he's right, it's just so hard to let go.
I read this in the book "Jesus Calling" today by Sarah Young
When your private world feels unsteady and you grip my hand for support, you are living in conscious dependance on Me.
Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence. In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face. Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.
I feel like I am a long way from saying this is pure joy. But I do thank God that He is in control and my helplessness only highlights His radiance and reminds me of my dependance.
Again, thank you to everyone who is praying for our family it means more than you could know and each prayer is accomplishing something in our lives. Know that we are thanking God for you and praying he blesses you for your love.