a new kind of normal

Yesterday was.... hard, but it was also good. Ryan got up early and took the day off. I told him he didn't have to, but looking back I am so glad he did. We have never needed each other more than right now. We feel so surrounded by people's love and prayers. We know we are so blessed. At one point yesterday, I told Ryan that for how rare this condition is, God used us to create this child who is strong enough to fight it. That is a thought that humbles me. My heart has been broken by Landon's news, and what lies ahead scares me to the core, but I cannot lose sight of the fact that at the end we will have this amazing child with this amazing story.

People have asked me how I am doing? That is a hard question to answer, I still feel numb most of the time, I don't know how to get back into life and when I do find myself doing something that would of been "normal" before this news, it's as if I realize everything all over again, and it breaks me yet again. This is physically and emotionally exhausting. The sadness is so deep in my heart yesterday I found myself crying in my sleep. As the day went on, it got better, I believe I gained so much strength just by reading people's prayers for Landon and for us. I realize that although we are both grieving in our own way, we must not let this pain cripple us.

We went and picked up our Christmas cards yesterday, it was such a beautiful winter day. It was cold, but the sun was shining. We had a snowball fight on our way to the car, we laughed. At first after receiving news like we have, you feel as though you will never get normal back. It is true, we may never, but why can't we have a different kind of normal? One where we are so aware of Gods presence holding us together, one where it's ok to break down in tears at any point in the day, where although we are facing something scary and out of our control, we trust God, and continue to live and love. We need laughter, we need those moments in our day when for a couple minutes we just enjoy the love we have for each other, where we have fun together like we always have. I know Landon wants us to laugh, wants us to continue to live our lives, no matter how different it may be now. Ryan and I have realized that we can allow this to make us angry and bitter, or we can pull together and become stronger. We are choosing the later.

With that said, I am dreading today. I am dreading going to work and having to tell people in person what is going on. I don't know how I will just put all of this aside and be able to be teacher. I called Liberty yesterday and withdrew from all of the classes I had registered for next semester. Ryan told me I needed to and I know he is right, but it was hard to let go of the dream of graduating this May, having my degree, and just being able to focus on being mom after that. I realize that now I will have to take more classes in the future, once Landon is here.

Financially me not being in school will make it a little easier on us and Ryan knows me and knows that although I would of tried the added stress would of made me sick. I will be traveling every couple weeks to Minneapolis and right now I just need to focus on taking care of Landon. So although it was hard to give that up it was also a relief. I still have finals left in the classes I'm taking now and I'm already a little behind. The thought of sitting down and being able to write a 15 page research paper is extremely overwhelming right now. I don't know how I will do it. Please pray that I can finish strong.

The doctor who gave me the news about Landon called me yesterday and told me that he has talked to a fetal cardiologist at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis and she knows all about Landon. He told me that she would give me a call that day to let me know when my first appointment is. I waited for her call all day, but it never came. I'm hoping she calls early today. I feel a need to know what our next step is going to be. This is a hard time of year, with Christmas coming up. We were planning on going to Warroad over Christmas, but if we have to be in Minneapolis sometime soon, I don't know if we will be able to make both trips. This realization is heart wrenching because we miss and need our families so much right now, but again we are realizing that life will be different now. It will be full of sacrifices, but for Landon we would give up anything.

People are asking me how Ryan is doing. He is dealing with this in his own way. He is the strongest person I know. God knew what He was doing when He put us together. We balance each other, he keeps me sane, he forces me to take breaks and still enjoy life. I need him more than I know. Our marriage has already been taken to a different level. A level of trust and reliance that we never knew before. No one besides God loves this little boy as much as us. He is ours and we are going to fight this battle... together.

People have asked me if it's alright if they put Landon and us on their churches prayer chains. YES, please. We will never deny prayer from anyone! Please share this blog and Landon's story with everyone you know. We have been amazed that people we don't even know are praying for our family. Appreciation is not a strong enough word to describe how we feel when we hear that. Prayer is our weapon against this and we need all the help we can get. If you were to tell me a week ago that we would be going through this I would of told you I'm not capable, but here it is. There is no turning back and we realize that prayer is what is holding us together. So again, thank you, thank you, thank you!

-Landon's momma