This morning I was sitting on our couch feeding Landon when the topic on the radio caught my attention. The radio station I had on is having a contest where moms can write in describing their perfect day and on Mothers Day one of them will win whatever it was they wanted. Today the woman chosen described how she would love to wake up in Italy, spend her day taking a class at a culinary school, and finish up the day being with her husband with absolutely no distractions. I thought that sounded like a fun day and it lead me to ponder what I would choose if I could have a perfect day.
I looked down at Landon who was staring at me with his HUGE eyes. These eyes are filled with so much love, depth, and wonder. These are the eyes that I waited for days and days and days to see. I would stand by his bed for hours watching his motionless body, just waiting for any sign to let me know that he was still in there. Now I get to see those eyes staring back at me everyday. Even the times in the middle of the night where I'm woken by his cry, I find myself reminding my heart how I felt the first time I heard his voice. Right after he was born they took him behind a curtain where he was evaluated by a ton of hands. I remember asking over and over again "why isn't he crying?" and then I heard it. The most perfect sound coming from behind that curtain. Tears filled my eyes and a love overcame my heart, at that moment, that will reside there until the day die... the love of a mother. That was the last day I heard his voice until the day he finally got his breathing tube out (over a week later). It seemed like we'd waited forever to hear him make any sounds. Finally his breathing tube was out and we just stood there watching him... waiting. He would open his mouth so wide and wait for something to come out, but his throat was just to dry. Several minutes later we heard it, just a tiny squeak that eventually grew into a cry. I couldn't contain the overflow of emotions. I will never tire of running to that cry, even at insane hours of the night.
I have many times throughout my days where I just stare at Landon and I'm overcome with love and gratitude. I can honestly say, if I could be anywhere and be doing anything, I would choose this, hands down. My days are not glamorous. They are filled with diaper changes, feedings, multiple outfits changes because of spit ups and leaky diapers, but I refuse to take any moment for granted. When I start getting tired of changing his diaper I remind myself of how I felt when I changed his diaper for the first time in the NICU. He was 2 days old and I felt so privileged that the nurse who was working would allow me to do that. It is SO hard to have a baby and feel like you're not able to do anything for him that moms are supposed to do. That simple act of being able to change his diaper, made my day, because it made me feel like a mommy. I thank God that I can change his diapers now without having to maneuver around the cords coming out of his belly button that I always managed to get his legs tangled up in or taped into his diaper straps.
I remember waiting for hours to be able to feed him and when lifting him out of his bed to hold him was at least a two person job. I never get sick of changing his outfits because for three weeks he didn't wear clothes. I watched his tiny body shake and I wasn't able to clothe or cover and cuddle him close... I get to now. Yes, if I could choose my perfect day, I'd say I'm already living it. It's not easy and some days are so much harder than others, but I am a mother. I've dreamed all my life of having that title, and I feared that I might watch it slip through my fingers, so everyday I wake up I praise God for every little moment.
As Mothers day is coming up I just want to applaud all of you moms. It is not easy carrying around this relentless love in our hearts. I also want to remind you to not take any moment for granted. I feel blessed that God sustained me and had me endure those hard times because it's made me appreciate the small, tiny, everyday things. I know that most moms don't experience that and I know that it's easy to just go through the motions everyday, especially if your the mother of an infant and everyday seems to be the same. My prayer is that this post helps one mom change her perspective and that we're able to see all of the mundane tasks as the gifts from God that they are. Being a mother is the greatest gift!
To all the tired mommies out there, Happy Mothers Day!!! I'm so happy to be one of you!!!