Tuesday, September 4, 2012

8-31-12 Call me crazy journal entry #2

I was designing the shirt I would wear to celebrate Landon, in my head, when I imagined this picture of me crossing the finish line pushing Landon in his stroller. Finishing it together! The mere thought almost brought tears to my eyes. I knew that I couldn't push Landon for 13.2 miles, but what if Ryan had the stroller ready and was waiting at the last mile? I knew that being able to look down into his beautiful eyes would be all the inspiration I would need to make it to the finish line.

I went onto the website for the race and found the disappointing news that strollers are NOT allowed. :( Hmmm I found the contact information and wrote a quick email telling them that I understand that strollers aren't allowed, but I was wondering if they would allow it just for the last mile or even 1/4 mile. I told them it would mean the world for me to finish with my son and I explained a little bit of Landon's journey. I sent it, thinking they would get it and I would receive a polite email back saying that they can't bend the rules for just one person. I would of totally understood that, but today... tears filled my eyes as I read this.

Natalie, our race does not allow strollers or dogs on the course.  This is due to safety concerns.  However, after having discussed your situation we feel we can come to an accommodation in your case.  If you can have someone with the stroller near the end of the race you can run across the line with it, being mindful of runners that may be trying to pass you etc.  I would like you to give me a call to discuss the logistics of this so we are on the same page.  Also, (name deleted to protect the innocent;) would like to touch base with you regarding the back story of you and your son.  He does sound like a little fighter! 

-race commitee

I couldn't believe it. I got chills. Lord, You're behind all this, I can feel it :)

I was so pumped!! I was nervous though. I knew I had to kick it into gear. I only have two weeks to get ready for this thing! As any runner knows, you need months to truly train for a race. Two weeks, is pretty much suicidal, or just plain stupidity, but what can I say? Sometimes God calls you to do something that, in all reality, seems absolutely stupid.

When Ryan got home from work, I grabbed my mase, clipped my ipod to my shirt, grabbed my phone in my other hand, and headed out. 

I knew I needed to run longer then I'd ran in over a year. I had to do something hard to prove to myself that this was going to be okay. That I could do this.

I thought it was only fitting to listen to the same playlist I'd listened to a million times when Landon was inside of me. I hadn't listened to it since the days when I would go the gym, walk on the treadmill and cry. I really didn't care what people thought, my pain was too real to be fake. This playlist consists of a mixture of Matt Hammit, Gungor, and Hillsong.

As I ran and let the words carry me, I remembered. I remembered the horrific pain I felt everyday for my child. The all consuming fear of the unknown. Tears fell down my face as I thought about our journey. How good God is. I heard the words of the songs, but I heard them with a new heart, one not so full of fear, one so aware of pain, but one that truly believes that God can make something beautiful out of nothing but shattered dreams. 

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new - Gungor

As I listened to these words I was suddenly so aware that I am not the same person I was when I was pregnant. During that time, God completely broke me. He challenged everything I thought I believed. I would of always told you that I believed in God's redeeming power, but now I have felt it first hand. 

God you've changed me. That's what this race is going to symbolize. It will symbolize how, if you allow it, pain will carry you, and make you stronger. I ran tonight, I ran, and I ran, and I ran and I cried...alot. I cried whenever I pictured finishing the race with Landon. I cried when I thought of people cheering for him. I cried when I thought about the conversations I will have with people who will ask about him because of the picture on my shirt (if it gets here in time). 

I know that this race is going to bring healing to my soul. Dare I say some closure? I know our hill is not over, but I'm thinking of this race as a pause to rest and celebrate how far we HAVE come. How far I've come as an individual. How far Landon's come. How far our marriage has come. How far our family has come, all because we clung to a God, who makes all things new.

YES, bring on the blisters and the celebration!!!!

Just for a foot note. I just have to brag on my family for a bit...

I got home from my run tonight to find our apartment spotless (except for the bedroom, but who could blame him with that monstrous pile of laundry), Landon bathed and in bed (early!!), and Ryan sitting at the table printing off my whole class worth of notes for the next 8 weeks. He printed them, hole punched them, and neatly placed them in a binder for me. Have I said before that I love that man :D

Then I went into Landon's room to find this... does life get any better??

 My inspiration, my miracle.

I am not sure when I will actually have the courage to post these journal entries. Truthfully I'm not sure I want the accountability haha... we'll see :)

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